While It’s Late, My Heart Breaks

It’s late. I’m sitting up in my husband’s office (to use the nicer computer!) unable to sleep because my brain has been nonstop nagging at me for the past 36 hours or so. While this post might seem useless and I’m not sure where it’s even headed to begin with, I’m going with the idea that if I don’t write right now, I will not sleep well tonight and may possibly ruin my entire weekend. Not guaranteeing this will fix anything, but I sure hope to try. Prayer and reflection just hasn’t been doing it for this one…

You see, I am an educator. Anyone who follows this blog should know this. You should also know that I am an extremely emotional person. What may not be so clear is how seriously I take my role in my career as a caregiver. I don’t mean to say that I baby all the kids and make them feel 100% at home (though sometimes I wish this latter were true). What I mean instead is that my heart goes out to each of my kids in their times of need. When something horrible happens in their life, or even when something great does. I hate making my life more stressful because of my emotions, but I refuse to be a teacher who could easily be replaced by a robot. 

So here’s the thing. I need to write about a situation that happened to me yesterday. Though it’s been an ongoing saga for many people around me, I just happened to find out yesterday. What I found out is basically that a young person in my care last year was going through a rather difficult time. Though I noticed change in their behavior, I honestly thought it was usual growing pains of a teenager. I never said a word to anyone. I never thought anything of it really. I cannot say I wasn’t concerned, but the concern was overshadowed by my other duties, by my other students, and by so many other parts of life that hit you when you least expect it. But here’s the thing; I cannot continue to teach right now in the state that I am in. I cannot imagine starting school with new kids on Monday and wondering which ones I might be “overlooking” this time, as unintentional as my actions may have been last year. 

While I’m struggling with so much here internally, all I really know is that I feel the need to apologize. To the student, to the parents, to anyone else who was carrying this knowledge and felt like they were trying to help alone. Because, especially as teachers, the more we pull together for a cause, the more effective we can be. 

To the child:

I want to apologize for having mistaken your changed behaviors for normal changes that happen while a young person is growing and finding their way into adulthood. I want you to know that I never meant to overlook you in any way. While it may not have seemed as though I did from your perspective, I feel like I let you down. Please know that you have taught me a lesson that I have never experienced before; that keeping my eyes open to every student at all times is vital to the health and safety of all my students.

Thank you for also reminding me that just because you don’t see someone else’s struggles doesn’t mean they aren’t there. I spent so much time trying to build up myself and others through difficult situations last spring… but I never totally considered all you must have been going through. I clearly didn’t see it, didn’t realize.

To you, I hope the biggest and brightest future. Because even though you might not feel like you deserve it all the time, you honestly do. Never forget that you are a unique and amazing person. Don’t ever let a soul take that away from you no matter what.

While I’m at it, I might as well throw this out too. You will probably never read this letter, and yet I need to say that I went through some horrible things as a young person myself. Though I cannot compare my life to your own, I can say that it does get better. And I’m not using that statement as a cliche. One day you will find out that even though these circumstances have worked out for the worst in many ways, one day you will realize how strong and independent struggles in life make you. I hope you realize it sooner rather than later.

To everyone else who did know about all of this:

I wish you had told me. I wish just one person had spoken up and told me that one of my kids were in trouble, were having trouble outside of school. I wish I knew that I could have at least attempted to help be a source of comfort. Knowing me, I never would have said a word to the student myself, but I would have worked doubly hard to ensure that my classroom was a safe environment from bullying and the terrors of any horrible reality that was occurring in any of my students’ lives. If only I had known then rather than now, at a time when I will never teach the student again. While I’m sure there will be others who need my support and guidance just as much, missing even this one opportunity to make a difference in any small way is breaking my heart.

That’s it for now. Not sure I feel any better, not sure this cryptic post will even mean anything to anyone else. Just needed to write it… Just hoping maybe one teacher will read and make an effort to be more aware of ALL of their students and ANY change in behavior, no matter how small. I know that this year my goal is going to be just that. To pay more attention. To make my classroom a safe haven for any child going through any negative situation. In the meantime, I’m off to write more specifically about this in my paper journal. My mind just isn’t settled yet… 

~B

 

Favorite Scriptures, Quotes, Images…

Kind of a weird post tonight. First I’m typing on my Kindle so this will be short. Second, I’m not writing anything about my life or journey really. All I’ll say is sometimes I feel like we all need guidance or help with some area of our lives and don’t always get an immediate answer (that’s where I am right now). So I figured I would try to see how many people actually read this jumble that I write. 

If you do, and you have a scripture or book passage or quote that brings you guidance or comfort, I encourage you to share it in a comment here. Not only am I hoping to get some good things for my own personal benefit, but I’m hoping to share them on my blog as well. Maybe if one of them really hits me, it’ll even become a topic in a later post!

FYI, my favorite is the serenity prayer, though it’s not seeming very applicable to my situation at the moment. 

Let me know your favorites, even if they aren’t religious!

~B

Hold on to Hope

I believe the worst possible thing to ever happen to a teacher or a student actually occurred this week. I mean, outside of class, there is always the possibility of death, destruction, etc. Let’s face it; we don’t really live in a safe world. But this week, something horrific happened in the classroom. I, for one, cannot seem to get over it.

Every time I have to see or interact in any way with the person involved, my teeth grit and my stomach crawls. I feel like I’m going to be sick if I have to look anywhere close to his face. Lucky for me, I have effectively avoided said person for the better of a week now, but he has started to react more awkwardly as time passes. I personally have millions of issues with the occurrence that took place but have even more issues with the way that it was handled afterwards. 

While I cannot get into details here, let me just say that if I ever did something like that… if I ever even thought of doing something like that for such an unimportant reason… Dear God, just have someone murder me please. Or maybe my truck would drive off a bridge into freezing water or something. I don’t know, but I do know that these type of actions do not EVER cross my mind, and I would be a sick monster if they did. 

It’s awful how humans treat one another isn’t it? I thought I had found this amazing career at an amazing place where everyone values each other’s opinions and things are never so dramatic that I feel sick. Yet it seems I was so completely wrong. I mean, I’m not naive enough to think that I can never be harmed and that nothing bad will ever happen in the realm that I am aware of, but I never expected something quite like this. I feel the chances of me being struck by lightning are much higher than the chances of this instance occurring in my world. (For the record, the odds of being struck by lightning in a person’s lifetime are believed to be somewhere around 1 in 3,000. That’s ridiculously small compared to many things!)

Here’s my question for anyone out there caring to read this; how does a person go about forgiving someone who is absolutely disgusting? Like, suppose someone stalks your child or tries to have inappropriate relations with them. This kind of awful thing is equal to the type of awful thing that I am speaking of. So how do you react? How do you get over it?

Better yet, I think my problem is that I am forced to sit on the sidelines while others with higher authority deal with the situation. But we go back to this situation again where not every person is good… everyone is acting like this situation should be swept under the rug, and I am so not comfortable with that at all.

These events have changed the life of one of my siblings, one of my students. I know people from the past who have dealt with similar situations and been scarred for life. So how does one (myself) go about trying to ensure that a 14 year old girl does not live the rest of her life in fear and worry when she is around other people whom she is not completely comfortable being around? 

I guess I’m not going to find any answers by sitting here and writing. And for once, this whole letting my emotions out on “paper” thing is not helping whatsoever. Guess I’ll give up and try something else.

In the meantime, you can guarantee that I’ll be sad, upset, disgusted, angry, pissed off, and every other type of emotion imaginable. Thanks for that idiot; if you’re reading this, you know that what you did was unforgivable so don’t expect forgiveness from me. 

~Me

Monday’s Message: Perseverance (Again)

Yesterday I talked some about perseverance and giving up on things in life. Today I would like to elaborate some more on that topic. This time, I am going to talk about it from a different perspective.

One of my favorite quotes by Winston Churchill reads:

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Somehow, he knew what he was talking about. The only way to make it through tough times is to keep going. Never giving up is one of life’s greatest challenges, but it is necessary in order to survive and continue to improve oneself. Many people believe that God gives us only as much as we can handle, and if this is true, we must keep going or be completely defeated by a test that is placed in our way.

I pulled up a list of quotes on perseverance, and I also found this one by Maya Angelou that I absolutely love! I’ve been sitting here thinking about it and rereading it just to make sure I understand the full meaning behind it. She says:

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.

So… you might lose, you might not succeed, but you cannot let that ruin any of your plans or stop you from seeking the goals and accomplishments that you have set forth before yourself.

These two quotes show exactly what I was talking about yesterday: whether or not it is okay to give up. It seems as though both of these amazing people are telling us that we should not give up at all. We must keep pushing regardless of circumstances or difficulties that we may encounter. On the other hand, F. Scott Fitzgerald worded it just a little bit differently.

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.

This quote reminds me of the situation that I discussed yesterday. I gave up on playing field hockey that year, but in the end I think it was a single defeat rather than a final defeat. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t stand up for myself completely to the point that I made sure the coach never bullied another kid again. And maybe I should have… But what I did do was stand up and say that I was not okay with the situation, and it was more important for me to give up a sport that I loved in order to save my conscience and my emotional being. Maybe I was defeated when I was unable to play, but more than likely, I did win the final victory by saving my extra-emotional self heartache, worry, and disappointment. Maybe after all, I did do the right thing.

Right now there is a situation going on in my life that is ongoing, but more “in my face” right now than usual. It deals with perseverance and whether or not I am strong enough to make the right decisions for me. Unfortunately, these decisions are made all that harder by the fact that they will affect people that I love regardless of what I choose to do. As much as the people discussed above helped me to better understand the situation that I went through years ago, I’m not sure their quotes are helping me much now. In keeping with the same beliefs and ideas, I don’t feel quite as lost in life at this moment. Yet, even with the advice, I don’t believe that I will be strong enough to follow through. Maybe, at the end of the day, that’s the main problem.

It might not be about whether I give up on myself or whether I persevere. Maybe, at the end of the day, it’s all about how I feel about myself. Before I can first give to others, maybe I need to be a little selfish and find a good center for myself, a place where nothing can phase me and even the hardships can be surpassed. Sometimes I think I’ve found this peace, and then something throws my life back into the tumult that I am currently feeling.

Well, I was going to try to finish up this post in some amazing, earth-defying way, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. For one, my computer just crashed and I thought that I had lost everything that I had already written for today. Secondly, I’m not sure there is an answer right now. Maybe I need to keep searching, keep taking advice, and keep trying to focus on myself before others when it comes to situations like this. Not to be selfish, but to find myself in order to better help others. In the end, I guess all I can really do is keep praying about it.

Have some advice for me? Let me know!

 

Friday Mash-Up: Freedom Testing

Hey All! This week’s Mash-up will focus mostly on Freedom and my thoughts/opinions of American Freedom. (Happy Independence Day for those Americans out there reading this!)

 I’m really curious as to what Freedom means to other people. (And yes, I know I capitalized that word when it didn’t need to be; Freedom is a big deal to me and in my opinion deserves to be capitalized.) So what does Freedom mean to you? Is it based solely on your country’s political “Freedoms” as given to you by documents such as the American Bill of Rights? Is it religious in some way, such as the Pilgrims that first traveled to America to escape religious persecution? Or maybe it’s cultural? 

Regardless, I know for a fact what Freedom means to me. The ability to have my own personal thoughts, the control over when to share those thoughts with others– that’s a huge part of it. Then there’s the aspect of being free to love whomever you choose, even though not everyone will agree with your choices. Actually, to sum it all up much faster and simpler, Freedom to me is the ability to choose. Just to choose. Nothing much else to add to that. As I just said, people are going to disagree with your choices- maybe not everyone, but someone. However, you can still make that choice regardless of what other people think, say, or do about it. Freedom. The ability to choose.

However, as I was originally stating, Freedom can be applied to millions of different categories: religion, culture, beliefs, living arrangements, family structures, etc. etc. I won’t even begin to list them all here, but I will say that there are so many that one million might actually be an accurate count. 

The biggest thing for me about Freedom is trying to understand how people feel who don’t live in America. I mean, I’ve always lived here. I’ve never lived any other way… So what’s the difference? You can read stories, watch videos, etc. of all these horrible things that occur in different countries where rules and rights are totally different than the place in which I live. But is EVERY other country like that? I don’t think so…

I was curious to know more, so I actually Googled “Freedoms around the world” and came up with a pretty interesting website. Thank you Democracy Web, for actually having put all of this information together in one neat handy map. (Found here.) The map itself, before you even do any clicking or researching is pretty interesting. Basically, if you live on this side of the world, you’re free. Or… at least mostly free. The other side of the world though? Those citizens don’t seem to be so lucky. 

You see Democracy Web did some surveying and researching; any country shown in green is a Free country. Those in yellow are mostly free (meaning they have some rights but not as many as those green peoples out there!) Then the red areas are… evil? I mean, maybe not the end of the world, but they don’t get rights unless someone says they do. (Seems like there are too many of those places to me… anyone else agree?)

Anyway, as you click on your favorite country, the one you’re most curious about, etc. a little box pops up full of information. For example, I chose Egypt. Population 80,400,000. Capital: Cairo. This country was a red one, so the people are deemed “not free” by the researchers of this project. In reference to political rights, they scored a 6. In regards to civil rights, a 5. A rating of 7 in both categories signifies the worst situation, so Egypt is pretty bad off right now. (To understand more about the rating process, click here.

It makes me sad to think that so many people do not get the Freedoms that I do. I mean, sometimes I’m concerned about stories that are put out about the American Government (do they really track our phones at random? What organizations do they run that we may not even know about?) but at least our overall lifestyle doesn’t seem to be too changed, even if any of these stories are true. So how does it feel to be in one of those red countries? Do they notice the differences every day? I bet it’s just their way of life at this point, but if they’ve ever been to one of the green countries, how much difference is there really?

And to point out another thought on Freedom: I feel like other people in our own neck of the woods are quickly helping us to lose Freedoms that we always had. Like that producer, the one who decided to make a mockery of a Korean official through the making of a motion picture? Does he really think that the Government is going to sit by and allow him to show the video so that Korea has a reason to go to war with America? I know we are supposed to have Freedom of Speech, but there needs to be a line. If people are so easily willing to forget about those lines, or trample all over them screaming, “Hey you! I have Freedom and I’m going to use it to put other people down, hurt them, murder them, etc.” then how can we expect the world to stay peaceful? 

In America right now, there’s this huge debate about gun control. Meanwhile, in other countries, it’s quite possible that citizens are smart about their gun use. Like, if they don’t shoot each other, but use their guns for hunting purposes, maybe their government doesn’t have to sit around for hours and debate about their use of guns. I’m not taking sides on the issue one way or the other. I just really wish that something else would be shown on the news… 

Freedom is complicated, isn’t it? I thought this would be a short post for my Holiday, but apparently not. I think I’m going to stop thinking about this now since I have a printer that is breaking on me and about 200 pages of work that I need to print… yesterday! So, again, have a good Holiday to all those who are celebrating something today. And don’t forget to let me know about your thoughts on Freedom in the comments below! 

 

 

Friday’s Mash-Up: The Golden Hearted Girl

What to post today??

Well, I’ll tell you. Today’s post is just a mash-up of thoughts that I am having today. First, let me just say two very important things:

1. I am absolutely LOVING the ability to write on this blog every day.
2. I am so appreciative of the people who have liked, commented, or followed my blog so far! I don’t have many followers yet, but those of you who are in that category are something special to me. The fact that you even read one of my posts makes my day about fifty times over!

In the words of Confucius,

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”

I am trying to refrain from that type of behavior in this blog. I’ve got too much stress, excitement, and hubbub in my life. Having a few good supporters and a bunch of words to put to the page, I am completely satisfied with my blogging experience thus far.

In other news, I have been spending a ton of time acting like a crazy person. And it’s all because my brain is full of this nonsense…

…Well maybe not all of it. But a lot of it. Chemistry, physics, calculus, geometry. I am literally praying to God that I make it through the next year. If my brain already looks like that jumbled up mess, I hate to even see what I will be like at the end of August! (I’m a teacher, in case you couldn’t guess.)

I am still waiting to hear about my friend’s condition, but have to make a huge shout-out to my best friend, my sister! She has offered to go and live with the family until things get back to normal. That way she can help watch the kid, the dogs, etc. Is it bad of me to be slightly jealous of her? Let’s face it, I don’t have the guts to offer something so bold, brave, and courageous. I’m a wimp for one thing. For another, I don’t do well in situations in which I am uncomfortable (or even think that I may be). So while my sister is out, seemingly saving the world, here I sit praying that I will one day be as good of a person as she is. No one has a golden heart like that girl! If they do, I have yet to meet them. Though maybe meeting them is a good thing… if by surrounding myself with golden treasures, I can become a golden treasure myself, then I’m all for it!

But I have a feeling that my fears and insecurities will keep me from achieving much of the greatest that my sister exhibits. So yeah, I’m jealous of her abilities. But more than anything, I am proud of that girl! She might be my younger sister but you could consider her the bigger sister in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder how you can’t see her heart popping out of her chest, it must be that big.

So does our friend have cancer? Who knows… Will everything work out okay? Uh, not sure…

The only thing I do know for sure is that we definitely still need prayers for the situation and that my sister could be a miracle worker some day. For now, I trust that God is leaving the rest up to interpretation for now because he is teaching me a lesson. I know that some of you may not believe that God makes everything happen for a reason, or to teach us a lesson. (Heck, maybe you don’t believe in Him at all.) Yet I do believe that, even if God is not all-controlling of our minds, talents, and decisions, he does have some kind of pull on the events of the world and how they happen. If that’s true, I highly doubt He’s just sitting up there in Heaven somewhere saying “ooo, this would be funny! Let’s try this!” just for the heck of it. So all of this has to be for a reason. I hope. I’ll just keep praying that we find out what that reason is sooner rather than later, and that (hopefully) it is a good reason. A simple lesson learned, with no one the worse for it.

Sorry my post tonight ended up centering around that situation again. I hadn’t meant it to, but apparently that is what is most on my mind. I’ll try to write something a little different later on. For now, leave a comment and let me know if you or someone you know needs or would like prayer. I will gladly return the favor. 🙂

And so it goes… again

I never thought that I would be writing this post today. Yet as I was sitting here, I just had to write. I’m trying to work on Physics, and let’s face it: centripetal acceleration or the escape speed of objects in orbit is not the easiest to understand on a GOOD day. But this is not a good day. The things inside of my head are making it absolutely impossible to focus on my science. Instead, here I am…

 

 

We all know what this little ribbon stands for. (For those of you who don’t, look it up.) Cancer is one of those things that are awful regardless of the timing, person, cause, location, or circumstance. We always hear about breast cancer, lung cancer, etc. but there are probably hundreds of different cancers that can occur in a person’s body. And what are we supposed to do about it?

When you find out that someone you love has cancer, how do you act? What do you say? What do you do? It’s not as though I can create a cure for cancer just like that. I’m not that smart, even if I wanted to be. And it’s not like your words can distract them from what is really going on. As if fighting cancer is not hard enough in most circumstances, it requires hours and hours of time with doctors and therapists and whoever else… discussing or focusing on the cancer inside of you. Forgetting about it, even for a moment, must be near impossible.

So what do I say to my friend, who may now have a cancerous tumor? The thing is huge, and is being removed next week, but if they find it is cancerous, chemo and other awful treatments are in her near future. And what do you say to the person to really, truly help? Do you offer to help with the kids, or is that for the family to deal with? Do you try to go to all appointments with her, hold her hand when her husband can’t be there? There is no guideline for friends of cancer patients.

Plus the wait is killing me. Is it or is it not cancer? If it’s not, then I’m doing all of this worry… to what purpose? It’s such a confusing situation, that the more I think about it, the more confused I become. Ugh!

I have known people in the past who have died (and survived) from cancer. My own grandmother has survived cancer three or four times now. But this is different. This is someone who has not already been through a majority of her life. This is a person who successfully nurtures and cares for an autistic child that, while hers in most sense, is not even her biological kin. She also runs a side business all on her own, since her partner (her mother) just passed away.

So here I sit, unsure what to do or say to make this situation better. I just keep thinking that my friend has been through too much lately to deal with anymore. But deal with more she must…

Cancer is an evil thing, and I still don’t get the purpose of it. I’m no longer a child, but I still don’t see the reason. And maybe God has planned it that way, because I don’t know that anyone else gets the reason either. Is it just to scare or humble us? I mean, it’s sole purpose cannot be to take those He needs to Heaven, because not everyone with cancer dies. Yet what purpose does it have for those that survive, except to make them grateful and appreciative? Like I said, I am one confused chicka sitting over here.

Anyway, I still do not know what to do about this entire situation, especially if the tests come back with cancerous results. So for the moment, if you believe in God, any God, please pray for the safety of my friend. She will appreciate it a million times over. If you have any advice for me, please PLEASE leave it in the comments below. Otherwise, just answer this poll, because I like polls and am curious.