Oh Lord guide us. Show us Thy Will and Way in everything.
This is the quote that comes along with the devotional I read for yesterday. Though it’s a day old now, I feel like it’s no less important to me at this moment. It seems like every year around this time I go through the same stages. There’s excitement that I get my student rosters and get to go back to being a bit more social than I am during the summer. Then there’s the anxiety and nerves; what am I forgetting to do? What if this group of kids is practically uncontrollable? What if, like so many jobs before this one, something goes wrong and I cannot bare to work under the current circumstances and need to make drastic life changes again? What did I do with my whole summer and why did I waste so much time? This list goes on and on…
I don’t think I’d be struggling so much with this right now, except a few things are colliding together this year. First, there’s the normal end-of-summer emotions (see above). Then there’s this horrid drenching downpour that has not ended in the past five days. Even when it’s not raining around here, the clouds and sky are so dreary that it just puts you in a mood. I have an older cousin who has to use a special lamp to give himself a certain amount of sun each day. Sometimes I feel like I have this same issue (sorry, I don’t remember what it’s called) because the lack of sun after a day or two is so depressing to me that I just get into a funk. Right now I’m in a big funk. Finally, there’s the fact that I did a lot of physical work and tasks this weekend and slept horribly. We all know how humans are on barely any sleep; if you aren’t sure, let me just say that I am the worst person in the world to console or talk to or try to get to accomplish anything when I am tired. My anxiety lashes out and I’m just useless.
I am in a major funk.
Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting to everything around me. Take the other night for example. My husband and I were making dinner. Normally we cannot be in the kitchen together at the same time because we each have our own method of madness and they clash horribly. However, he was making something on the stove and asked if I’d mix up some chicken salad. I said sure, an easy enough task right? Once I had it mixed up, I covered it and put it on the counter to wait a few more minutes until he was done with the cooking portion of the meal. As I’m sitting in my living room, I hear a spoon clacking against the glass bowl I had used to put the salad into. I called to him and asked if anything was wrong. He simply said, “The salad is too chunky.” Any normal person would probably be responding with a simply “oh okay” or an “I’m sorry”, but I’m no normal person. I am the person with anxiety who is currently in a major funk. What seems like the easiest task in the world has now been done incorrectly (by me) and I am not too happy about it. So I take a deep breath and let it pass.
The week has been going like this, including its fair share of stupid, silly examples of things that are irking me. While it seems like many of them revolve around my husband, I can assuredly say that he is not the main problem in any of these circumstances. It’s more like… the husband or the dog or the other dog… the other day I was upset at my phone because the battery ran dead too fast for my liking. It’s quite ridiculous. I see now that the problem is more than likely just me.
So I try to step back. I try to remember that years of dealing with my anxiety has led me to a point where I have plenty of strategies to combat this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know the triggers (or at least most of them) and I can do a pretty good job of either avoiding them or meeting them head on. Right now, I’m just trying to step back.
Yet sooner or later everything just gets to be too much. It’s nearing the end of July and school mode is here. Then there’s the tiredness and the anxiety. Then there’s the simple every day communication that sometimes just doesn’t go as planned (again, see above). Sometimes it just feels like I’m not where I’m supposed to be in life and that I’m not doing something that I should be accomplishing. Now I’m not talking about chores or tasks, I’m talking more about the thing that is missing in my life that would help me to get rid of this funk. I’m not naive, and I know my anxiety will never be cured. We’ve been there and done that with those thoughts. It’s not happening. I feel like I’ve mostly come to terms with that, but right now it just feels like there’s this big black shadow lingering that I need to try to get rid of. This funk.
So I found myself trying to get some exercise today (strategy #1) and that didn’t work because the weather was still sucky and now I was outside in it. Plus the dogs were begging to go along, so I took them… Zoey doesn’t always like to walk on a leash like a proper girl, so that wasn’t much fun. Strategy #2 was to just buck it up and get the stuff done. So I took a list of the things that were bugging me and I just started knocking them out. Though now I feel more tired than I was before and no more happy to know that those tasks ended up leading to more tasks (go figure). Strategy #3 is to talk it out, but sometimes it’s impossible to just tell someone else how you are feeling and have them comprehend it like you feel you need them to. So we went, we tried, we lost that one…
Welcome to Strategy #4, where I read and I write and I try to stay away from anything and everything that will make me more tired or more upset. Let’s face it, a piece of paper and pen or this blog is not able to talk back. So unless my brain conjures an issue, this time should remain fairly peaceful.
~~A pause here to encourage anyone struggling with anxiety to try some of these strategies!!!~~
Which is how I ended up reading today’s devotional and reviewing yesterday’s. Though today doesn’t come with a direct scripture or any special quote, I still find yesterday’s pretty significant. Oh Lord, guide us. Show us Thy Will and Way in everything. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that this is a thing. I’ve been a Christian for a very long time, but sometimes it is so difficult to remember that God is really in control here. While my body might feel like crap and my mind might seem to be in an even worse place, I need to try to remember this. That God has a Will and a Way. That He is trying to do what is going to be right for my life in the end. He knows for sure that I’ve been here and gone through similar before. He also knows that even in times of these difficulties, I always end up finding the light at the end of the tunnel. The only real problem here is that I hate being in the tunnel and just waiting for the light to come around. I can’t stand it that I have no control over certain things, and even my mind likes to take its own little field trips to anxiety land sometimes. (I also hate how this might be making me sound crazy, but what am I going to do? I need to be honest here or this post is not going to make me feel any better.)
God has a Will and a Way. I need to remember this.
Also in the devotional book God Calling by A.J. Russell is today’s little blurb:
I am your Lord. Lord of your lives. Controller of your days, your present and your future. Leave all plans to Me. Only act as I bid you.
You have entered now, both of you, upon the God-guided life. Think what that means. God-taught, God-guided.
Is anything too wonderful for such a life? Do you begin to see how wonderful life with Me can be?
Do you see that no evil can befall you?
Let’s just say that as much as I want to believe no evil is in my life right now, I’m having a hard time seeing it. I’m having a hard time feeling as though the sadness and destruction in not only my life but our world right now is not somehow evil.
Photo by Sawyer Sutton on Pexels.com
Yet I do recall times when I felt like this before. I remember feeling like there was no hope for us or our lives would be changed for the worse forever when the war against Iraq started after 9/11. I remember thinking that it would be like World War II all over again. While it hasn’t been some fun happy thing, I can at least say that I watched as God guided us through some of those terrible war times without having it result in quite as much evil as my mind had originally concocted.
I recall being engaged to a man that I was not meant for and trying so hard to please and to fit in when I wasn’t supposed to… though I didn’t know it until the whole thing was over, I was led to a better place in my life. To realize the horrible mistakes I could have made or the realizations that I may never have… I have to believe that God had His Way with that one.
I think I’m getting it now; I’m getting to a place of peace and to a place of realization. That even though I may still be in this funk later, I am okay with it for right now. I am just going to put everything to God and do some praying and just hope that the funk goes away soon. Even if it’s only here for one simple reason, I am going to try to believe that it is here for a very important but small reason. While I may never see directly what that reason is or understand why this time in my life had to happen, I’m going to try my hardest to just let it be. To not fight it, to not anguish over it, and to try not to really make it any worse with my anxiety.
To anyone who is still reading up to this point, I thank you so much for listening to my rambling. I’m sorry this post was more for my benefit than anyone else’s. If you did read this far though, know that it means the world to me that someone was willing to try to put themselves in my shoes for a few minutes here. Like I said, it’s not always the anxiety that is all the trouble in my life, sometimes it’s just trying to get someone else to understand those feelings.
So here’s to getting out of that funk and to hoping none of you are currently in one. If you are, feel free to reach out because I’m sure that if I can’t help you with your own problems, we can just be together. In our funk. But never alone.