Category Archives: The Breakup Chronicles

The Beginning of the Second


Today is a new day. While I don’t often blog two days in a row, I felt I needed to today. If only for the purpose of letting everyone who read yesterday’s post know that things do get better.

That’s probably the biggest thing that I’ve learned with anxiety; even though it may seem like your world is ending or will never feel right again, it always ends up getting better.

I’m not really sure which of my many strategies helped me last night to get over the shock of grandma’s change in condition or my husband’s seeming lack of care about our anniversary. It may have been the writing, it may have been that I picked up a good book and got lost in it for a while. It may even have been the fact that I had a decent cry as I talked to my husband about grandma last night. What I think may be more likely though is that time helped to heal.

As I had time to reflect, I realized my husband would never blow off our plans on purpose. In reality, we didn’t have anything set in stone, so my assumption that we would hang out all weekend was confused with his assumption that we would spend all day together on our actual anniversary. Plus, as I talked to T last night, I realized that time flying by when people are having fun had a lot to do with it too. He actually admitted that he would not have been away from me so long yesterday, but he totally lost track of time. Even more so, I think time had a way of calming my nerves and making everything seem a little more manageable.

You see, sometimes an anxious brain will jump to the craziest conclusions. For example: my husband not spending a few hours with me means he clearly does not love me as much as I love him. Or better yet, the fact that my grandma is running a fever clearly means that she will suddenly die before I get to see her again. It might sound crazy, but anxious brains often travel to the very worst (and possibly most outlandish) assumptions ever.

Luckily, I’m here tonight to say that things did not go as horribly as I made them seem yesterday. Giving my brain time allowed me to come back to the truth of reality and to see that things aren’t all as bad as they seem. I was also able to talk things out with my husband so we could make anniversary plans for last night and today. He also convinced me to leave him at home for a few hours this afternoon to go and see my grandma. I tried to resist at first because I felt bad for being away from him on our anniversary. He didn’t let me get my way though, and I’m glad he was there to remind me what is most important.

Last night played out pretty well. I was still pretty upset when my husband got home, but he decided to take the four of us to our favorite state park. We had a picnic (though we didn’t have picnic food, so we improvised by picking up pizza from a local restaurant), watched as our youngest pup, Zoey, played in the creek for the first time, and took a short hike that we have taken on occasion before. Doing things as a group of four helped me realize how close of a little family I have and how fortunate I am to be able to spend any time with them at all. Going to the park also reminded me that even the simplest things mean the most to me, no fancy food or events required for my happiness.

This morning we woke up and looked through a box I had stored for our first anniversary. There were guest books, cards, and relics from our wedding day and honeymoon to look at. Then we cut our anniversary cake (for breakfast no less!) and found out that it wasn’t as dry and horrible as we thought it would be. As I gave T his gift, he started to light up and smile. Though he didn’t get me anything (miscommunication on both our parts), I was happy that my idea worked out well. Every time I asked him what I should get him, he told me the traditional first anniversary gift was paper. I could not think of a single thing to get the man that involved paper! So I finally settled for writing him a bunch of “Open when” letters for times when I am not around to remind him how loved he is. He opened the first today, which included a summary of our first year together. He has others, which he quickly put in order of how he assumes he’ll end up opening them. (One of the top on the list is “Open When I become anxious and you don’t know what to do about it. Shocker there!)

Around 10, we decided that we wanted to visit the restaurant we ate at on our first “dating” anniversary. We enjoyed the meal that evening and decided to go back. Unfortunately, when I called to reserve a table, no one bothered to tell us that it was a brunch buffet until 2pm on Sundays. When we showed up, we were invited to get our food off the buffet. Not only was that buffet expensive, but it had the weirdest combination of breakfast and entree foods. I am glad to say that my stomach is no longer cut out for buffets (yay for losing weight) but I also feel as though I wasted some of T’s hard earned money by not eating my money’s worth. Oh well…

Though I went to visit grandma tonight (she is doing better than she was yesterday), I came home so we could light our unity candle together and spend some more time before our hectic workweek starts again in a few hours. So overall, though it wasn’t anything super special, I have to say this was a great anniversary.

The thing is, I need to remember who I am. Who we are. While my brain was so muddled on our wedding day because I wanted everything to be so perfect and to feel so happy the entire time, I have to realize that we had a small family wedding for a reason. I have to realize that going to the park yesterday was one of the biggest highlights of my first anniversary. And more than that, I have to realize that there’s a reason that my favorite parts of life are the simple, relaxed, things that we do together. The more I got worked up about trying to make plans for our anniversary, the more fun I think I sucked out of myself in preparation for a weekend that ended up being special anyway. The more I tried to do “fancy” and “special” things, the more my anxiety built up and I got too nervous to want to do much of anything.

So for next year, I need to remember this: my husband loves me and loves doing the same things as I do. We could have taken a bike ride to the shore or even sat at home in our pjs all day, and he would have been just as happy. Though you often think it sounds cheesy in the movies, it is honestly true that all I need, and all my husband needs, in life is to have quality time to spend with each other.

Here’s to another happy year! Thanking all of you who helped me pray yesterday and continuing to ask for prayer in my grandma’s name. Thank you!!



The New Man in Town


I keep thinking that I’ll write something new on here, but life has been so busy and so fun that I just have not had the time. From buying a new car and selling the old one to taking a trip to West Virginia to laze around in the woods by the river for a week, I haven’t had much time to sit own and write. These things of course are in addition to having been sick from a new medication I got, taking a weekend to the beach, decorating my first ever classroom at work, dealing with a puppy who is nearing his terrible twos, and falling in love for truly the first time in my life.

Here’s the thing: So many people say they are in love and will never leave their partner for any reason in the world. Everyone pretends to remain completely faithful to their boyfriend or girlfriend even though they have no idea what may happen in this world to rip them apart from one another. I myself am a romantic; I love the little sweet gestures that people who care about you will make just to show their love. I even get a kick out of sappy stories about people who found their true love and stayed together for years without divorce or problems. But since people have hurt me so many times, I don’t really believe in this whole promise me your whole world and forever thing like most other people think is so sweet.

I always liked that Sarah Evans song about the girl looking for her perfect match. I use to sing it all the time. Sitting here thinking about it, I never thought that I would find that “blue-eyed boy”, but now I see that he is in my present and not my future.

The real reason I am writing this post is because the girls in my family went away for a weekend and I stayed at home with the two men in my life. On Friday, my boyfriend and I went to the carnival. I felt so accomplished being able to walk in there and see people who have issues with me. I walked right by them as if they weren’t even near me. I’d like to say my new independence and confidence in my abilities (mostly at work) have improved my “no-care” attitude that I exhibited, but I know that some of it was also having that hand by my side and knowing that someone was supporting me even if they didn’t understand how much I needed them to overcome a horrible memory from my past.

Saturday we woke up and went to the Truck Nationals, which was great. I had more fun when we went a few years ago just because there was more to look at, but I had a ton of fun this year too. We got to see all kinds of vehicles and events, but I also got to buy LED lights for inside of my new car! I cannot wait to install them.

When we got home, I actually had the chance to take a cat nap, and then we went out to dinner at the brewing company. They were having a special event with musicians to support children with cancer. Let’s just say not all of the music was what you would normally want to listen to while you were eating your supper. Additionally, the music was way too loud for all of our tastes. But it was one of my favorite parts of the weekend simply because I got to see something that I never thought would happen. The two men that I had supper with reminded me so much of one another during our conversations. It was like eating dinner with two guys who were friends with each other rather than them having a relationship with me! And you know what? I loved every minute of it. Hearing one of them throw out a joke that was then enhanced by the other “comedian” was amazing. Seeing how similar their personalities and sense of humor are made me feel comforted and blessed to have them both in my life. I never thought that I would find someone with as good a heart and as great a personality and caring attitude as my dad, but if there was ever anyone who was similar to him, I believe I found it in my boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, there are many, many differences between the two. But the similarities that I was able to see make me happy to know that at least my family can get along with one another. (Yes, I consider my boyfriend to be part of my family at this point.)

I keep remembering that saying that you hear all the time: most women will marry someone who reminds them of their father. I don’t normally put too much stock into cliches or quotes from random people in history, but I do know this; if my boyfriend has even one single trait similar to that of my dad, I know I’m on the right track to being with the person who makes my life complete. I hope my boyfriend knows that I don’t look at him like he is my father’s twin or something (ew gross!), but I do know that I’ve found a very, very good man when I see their similarities.

As we near our 6 month anniversary, I pray that everything will continue to go as smoothly as it has been. And for the heck of it, I figure I’ll throw one more cliche out there that I truly believe in. Marry the person who you love to talk to. As you grow older, the one thing that will always keep you together is the ability to communicate and interact with one another. Thanks hun, for being that guy for me. I hope you stick around for many, many more months. ❤

A Letter to Someone Who Drinks


There are a ton of people who drink alcohol in this world. Many of them drink socially, some out of habit, and even more when they need to relax. Apparently alcohol has this strange calming affect on a person’s body, though I wouldn’t know anything about that. I myself have never had a drink; I’ve barely even taken a sip of wine or champagne in my lifetime. I mean, unless Communion at Church counts, I’ve never had my own bottle, cup, or any amount of alcohol. 

A few years ago, even when I was underage, the people who I talked to and hung out with thought that I was some kind of strange alien because I don’t drink. I never wanted to, never saw a reason to. And yet I had two very drastic reasons why not to: my alcoholic grandfathers. I hate the pressure, hated feeling like I was the third wheel. I don’t think that feeling ever went away, not even by the beginning of this year.

So what am I doing now? I’m getting ready to write a letter to my boyfriend. Yes, the letter will be public on my blog; it’s not as impressive as you think it’s going to be. But the whole point is that the topic is alcohol. You see, when my boyfriend shows up at my house tonight to celebrate a family birthday, I’m going to give him a 4-pack of his favorite alcohol. (Yes, this does sound odd, random, etc. but bare with me. I have a point.) To go along with the little surprise, I want him to read the following “letter” so that he knows why I got him the gift. Especially since he doesn’t like surprises or presents too much, even on special occasions. 

Hey Love, 

You probably think this whole thing is crazy, that I just thought up this completely nonsense idea from out of nowhere and went with it. Well, maybe you’re right. But here’s the thing. There are a few things that used to bug me, and I want you to know that you helped me get over those things. If you’re reading this now, I’ve already given you the Guinness that I bought for you earlier today. I want you to understand that I didn’t give it to you because I condone you getting completely drunk or wish that you would drink more alcohol or anything crazy…

I gave you that surprise for a few reasons. I need you to know what those reasons are so that you understand that I didn’t just give you a pack of beer for no apparent reason. The gift that I gave you is for a certain reason, and I hope it means more to you than it probably will when I first hand it over to you tonight.

First, I know that you wanted to go out for seafood and beer this weekend while we were on the shore. I’m sorry we were all exhausted and that you didn’t get the meal that you wanted. I love you so much for appreciating everyone else around you and for understanding that I wasn’t backing out of that idea because of the drinking or the type of food or anything like that. I was just purely exhausted. So, to make it up to you, I gave you this gift.

Second, I want you to know that alcohol used to be high on the list of words that I never wanted to hear or discuss. You know why… I’ve talked to you about my past. But you’ve changed the way that I look at it. Don’t get my wrong; I’m not going to go out and drink a ton now (or even at all for that matter), but I don’t think that it’s some kind of awful sin or anything like I used to.

Along with the above, you have changed my perspective so that I am comfortable around people when they drink. Okay, maybe not everyone, but at least you. I appreciate that you don’t pressure me to drink, that you don’t make a big deal out of ordering alcohol when you’re around me, and that you drink sensibly. It’s nice to know that I’ll never have to pick you up off the ground, mop the puke off your lip, and throw your unconscious body into bed. That would be a huge problem for me, something I’m not sure I could handle. I’m so glad that you don’t drink like that… I cannot even tell you. 

Finally, but most insane of all, I randomly saw that the grocery store had started to carry alcohol and decided that I wanted to buy some. Don’t ask why; I may be partially or totally insane. But I walked up, found that Guinness and just decided that I was going to buy some. For no other reason than to say I had. It just seemed fitting at the time to buy it in order to give you a surprise that you would enjoy and appreciate. 

I guess I am now officially insane, especially after I reread that last paragraph. But it’s okay. I hope you still love me even more for it!!!



Me Now


As crazy as this is going to sound, things have changed for me. I know I have grown this year, but I never thought I’d be ending the work year off on this note. I’ve graduated from grad. school, I’ve loved over 40 kids that might as well be my little siblings, I’ve adopted a puppy, I’ve picked up more responsibilities and more outgoing behaviors, and I’ve started to fall in love.

That’s right everyone, this girl has started to fall. And possibly, fall hard. 

I guess I should be clear right now; I am not head-over-heels, completely infatuated, obsessed, teenager kind of immature in love. Nope… this one feels different than those silly emotions. This time, it feels like I have someone special in my life who makes a difference in my life every day. I have someone who is sweet, kind, caring, and will go out of their way to make things better for me regardless of the circumstances. 

It is true that we have only been together for a few months now, but I have such positive feelings about us. It’s different than before. This time I can focus on other parts of my life without feeling like things will change in my relationship because of my focus on other things. This time I have a supporter who never fights with me and only upsets me when it’s completely unintentional. This time one of our favorite things to do is talk… not move, not be active, not be distracted by others… this time the time that we spend alone brings out the truth in my thoughts and feelings. I think it brings out the same in him. And regardless of the situation, every time that we have had some confusion or miscommunication, our late-night talks have straightened out all of the mess. 

This time I love a man who holds my heart in his hands truly, completely, and irreversibly. Don’t get me wrong, we still have a lot of getting used to each other to go through. There will still be hardships and accomplishments that, sitting here, I cannot even imagine. In fact, things may completely fall apart at some point without any warning or without being in our control in any way. But right now I realize that the relationship I am in is not one that is setting me up to be blindsided. Unlike before, I can think through things logically, can get mad if I have a good reason, and can be sensible about my thoughts and feelings. Better yet, I have never been mistreated by my boyfriend, and he seems to have these exact same feelings towards me and our relationship. Now that I am thinking through things more maturely, things are different.

So here’s what I have to say… Don’t be afraid to open yourself up to trust someone. Let the trust build gradually and slowly, but let it build! Meet new people in random ways and unexpected places too. You never know where you will meet someone who is going to change your life or who has popped into your view for a reason. And finally, never give up on love. While I thought I had given up on the idea of marriage, dating, having kids, etc…. I realized how wrong I was to have had those thoughts over the past 10 months or so. 

And if my boyfriend is reading this, thank you. I know I tell you those two words a lot and you tell me I don’t have to say it for the tiny things. But this, the way you have affected me, has not been anywhere close to a little thing. This is my life, and regardless what happens to us, you have changed it. Thank you for the new experiences and the amazing friendship. I hope we have many, many more days together. ❤

Proud Girl


Last night was one of the proudest moments I think I’ve ever had. Which seems kind of crazy given the circumstances, of which there are many. But regardless of the outcome, I am so glad that I was able to be a part of the moment.

You see, my boyfriend graduated last night. And no, not from some big Ivy League college or university. But who cares where the graduation takes place? He downplays it like he hasn’t worked as hard as me with education and that he basically just had to sit so many hours in a classroom. And true, he still has testing to complete and other parts of his knowledge to prove before he gets his big hefty raise at work… but you know what? I am still proud. Just because he doesn’t give himself the credit that he deserves doesn’t mean that I can’t! Besides, we are all kidding ourselves if we think I ever could have done what he has already done with his life. Let’s face it, I’m not cut out for those jobs where you actually have to do manual labor all the time. I’m lucky I make it up the twenty flights of stairs that I have to walk each day between the classrooms and my office…

It might still seem confusing why I say that I am crazy for feeling so proud, but it’s because of this: For 90% of the time that my boyfriend spent in school, I didn’t even know him. We met just a few weeks before he graduated. Unlike his family, I didn’t spend time with him during much of his schooling time. I have barely an idea of how tired he was when he was juggling a full-time job and his evening classes. I really have no right to be so proud. Yet part of me knows that his family is not big on celebrations (and he is even less so). For that very reason alone, I want to make such a big deal out of this. I want him to know the joy of feeling accomplished, loved, cared for, and celebrated. Let’s face it; my parents dropped the ball when I graduated from college, but I still remember what it was like when I graduated from High School. Though those were simpler times, the theory behind a celebration still stands. After spending hundreds of hours working towards a goal in your life, you deserve to spend time with the ones you love and the ones who care about you. Even my own crazy parents want to spend time with him to show him that they are proud…

So mister, if you are reading this, just let us celebrate you this weekend okay? I promise I will start treating you with disdain, indifference, and maybe even hate when Tuesday rolls around. But this weekend… this weekend is our’s and we are going to do some really fun and relaxing things with it whether you like it or not. 


P.S. The more you resist, the more a boa constrictor tightens its grip around you… if you get my drift.

Do You Remember?



Do you remember the time you clicked that button? The green and the red staring you right in the face. 

Do you remember the time when I was so obvious that you decided my excitement might just be a good enough reason to meet me? How the snow fell that night, though we just wanted something to eat.

Do you remember the time we ate at a restaurant together for lunch? That one time, when it was all quiet and empty in there, with nothing to worry about except being together that day.

Do you remember the time, right after our meal, when we went and wandered around Walmart like a bunch of bored teenagers? The sheets and the curtains; that’s what we looked at.

Do you remember the time, right after the curtains, when you hugged me in the parking lot? You smelled so good and wouldn’t stop staring at me.

Do you remember the time you first kissed me? Yes, that one that you and I both know we never wanted to stop. The one out in the middle of nowhere in a parking lot, just because that’s where we were when I told you to kiss me.

Do you remember the time we saw a movie together? Kingsman, that’s what it was called.

Do you remember the time when I first showed you my blog? The way your eyes were suddenly open to a world of my thoughts, opinions, and emotions.

Do you remember the time I first rode in your car? How we argued about music and I was scared of your driving.

Do you remember the time when I first came to your house? We watched TV all evening, and I barely got home before morning.

Do you remember the time we celebrated your birthday? First time you ever met my parents too. That was also the day I first surprised you with something and showed you how great it feels to be surprised by someone who loves you.

Do you remember the time we went to the gun show? How scared and nervous I was because it was a room full of guns. Needless to say, you remember the time you took me to the range. Wow, how things have changed…

Do you remember the time we took our first hike? On Easter with the pup. That was a great day.

Do you remember the first time I stayed at your place? And every successive Friday since…

Do you remember when you slept on my couch? No one believed you would do it.

Do you remember the time we hiked up the waterfall? I was scared to death but you were determined that I would be happier when I succeeded and reached the top.

Do you remember the first time I cried in front of you? The first anxiety attack that I had? 

Do you remember the time we drank slushees from a giant plastic container? I’m pretty sure we could have been sick for a week after that.

Do you remember the time I first smiled at you? First cuddled with you? First did something that made you happy that you knew me?

Maybe I don’t remember all of this stuff, maybe I haven’t forgotten. But I’ll tell you this much… we have done a lot in two months, and I don’t regret any of it. Meeting someone so openly kind and caring, though also with a rough and protective side makes me feel like I am the most special girl in the entire world. And regardless of what happens in the future, in the next month or the next five… you have changed my life. You have impacted me in a positive way. You, sir, are one of the things in my life that, no matter what happens, I will never forget. 

For the record, I hope you stay around for years and years and years, but if you happen to leave for any reason currently unknown to us… just know that you’re always going to be in my thoughts and in my heart. ❤


This Time I’m Getting It Right


That’s right everyone; I’m getting something right! Or at least it seems that way….

After a very long but amazing day, I’m sitting here at 11pm frantically typing this post because I cannot get this one thought out of my mind, the thought that I am doing this whole relationship thing right. Maybe everyone must care about someone once and have it not turn out before they realize what the truly important aspects of a relationship are. I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost family, and I lost my ex… so maybe now I realize what I am doing and how to make it better.

The thing is this. Today I went to a gun and ammo show. I’ve never been to one before, never had any reason to go. In my mind, for my entire life, guns seem like an unnecessary possession. I don’t live on a farm, I don’t believe in hunting for the sport, and I have no interest in learning about guns and how they work or who can shoot with the best aim. None of my friends are really into weapons of any kind, and I guess since I’m a girl, I’m all too happy to just be naive about the entire gun industry.

But I went today because I knew it would be special for T. I wanted to do something for him that would show that I truly cared about him and that I am open to learning new things and trying new things, within some realm of limits of course. 

Last night I was nervous about the entire thing. I wasn’t sure I would feel comfortable walking through aisle after aisle of guns and knives just to look and enjoy myself. But I was the one who mentioned it in the first place, as a sweet gesture to him, and I was not going to be the one to cancel last minute. And you know what? It wasn’t the greatest thing I’ve ever done, but it definitely wasn’t awful! I learned a lot about T and about my own abilities to remain calm and enjoy myself in even strange situations. 

Besides, this whole day has me thinking; now that I’m getting into this relationship world again, I am starting to realize that there are things that I am doing so much different than the first time. And I think, regardless of what happens in the meantime, I am happy to be recognizing that I have the ability to learn and grow from my past hurts and pains. Here are some of the things I have realized thus far:

  1. A relationship isn’t about having every little thing in common. It’s not about trying to change yourself to please someone else and it’s not about someone else changing to please you. Change shouldn’t be expected, it should only come naturally (if it does come at all). Exploring another person’s interest is one of the greatest ways to learn about that person and to expand your own horizons. It’s okay to try new things every now and then.
  2. A relationship isn’t about talking to the other person every second of every day. It’s not some horrible thing meant to keep you from your family or your other friends. It’s important to not lose sight of your career and your responsibilities either. If you are in a truly good relationship, the other person will make sure your responsibilities are taken care of and they will make sure that you both have time apart to spend alone or with other people whom you would seriously miss otherwise.
  3. A relationship isn’t about an image. I don’t find myself sitting here trying to impress my parents or my friends with every little detail of my relationship now. I don’t push to have some title identified for this relationship, and to tell you the truth, I don’t need one. The only thing I need to know is that I feel happy and he feels the same. All the other people will either like it or not, but I don’t need to seek their approval around every corner.
  4. A relationship isn’t about give and take. It’s supposed to be about give and give some more. Doing sweet, spontaneous things for the person you care about is one of the best feelings a person can experience. This reminds me of Christmas: I have found it is better to give gifts than to get gifts. It makes me happier to see others happy than it does to feel my own happiness.
  5. A relationship is about being open and honest. You may not agree with every little thing that is said and done by the other person, but you need to be able to talk it out rationally. You should spend time learning how to read their attitude and demeanor to tell when they need a friend or when they need you to not push any one specific subject. I admit, I’m still working on this one a LOT, but I am learning that I am who I am and that’s just the way it’s going to be. He either cares about me or he doesn’t, but neither way it works out is anything my “fault”. 
  6. A relationship isn’t about escaping reality. A relationship is about growing and learning. You don’t need to be comfortable every second that you spend with the other person. You don’t need to perfect everything about your relationship; sometimes the flaws remind you that there is true feeling involved. Something so perfect and fluffy ends up just being fake.
  7. A relationship isn’t about sexual intimacy, or even intimacy at all. Try this once: Hold a random conversation with your significant other. Note what you talk about and how you two converse with one another. Hopefully you will find that you talk to each other similar to the way that you would talk to a friend. If not, run! Additionally, spend some time not talking at all. Can you comfortably sit in silence and watch a show or movie, read a book, or take a nap with the other person? Do you feel anxious when you realize that you’ve “wasted” your day doing these simple acts? A true relationship involves the simpler things in life. You don’t always need to soak up every minute of your time together with activities and movement or speech. It’s okay to be together and be silent all at the same time.
  8. A relationship isn’t about forcing the other person to grow. Sure, this normally comes about after some time, but if you’ve got to convince the other person to try something new, it’s probably not a good idea. Yes, it’s okay to ask them to do something new, but if you nag at them until they concede, you’re not actually winning the battle. All you’ve done is lost a piece of their trust. 
  9. A relationship involves the words “are you okay” and “thank you” a lot more than you realize. Sure, it might seem paranoid to constantly ask someone if they are okay as they cough, cry, etc. But at the end of the day, it means the world to them that you just asked! And it’s NEVER a bad thing to say thank you. For lunch, for a movie ticket, for a day spent together in pjs at the house. Be grateful for every minute you have because you truly never know when it will be gone.
  10. A relationship isn’t about finances. It doesn’t matter who makes more money or who has the fanciest car; you take turns driving, you take turns paying, and you take turns sharing the financial burdens of having a social life. You should never ask the other person to borrow money, and you should never feel pressured to lend the other person money either. Real relationships (at least until you’re married or pretty close to married) do not rely on financial factors.
  11. A real relationship isn’t about distance or time spent apart. It’s not your fault if you have to work or if you aren’t feeling well. It’s okay to not see each other every day or every other day. It’s important to see each other as often as is necessary to maintain a relationship, but it’s not your fault if plans fall through or you are honestly too tired from other responsibilities to be there with the other person at any one particular time. 
  12. A real relationship isn’t about the end game. I like T, I really do. I love the kind of person he is. Am I in love with him? No. Not yet. Maybe not ever, though we are heading in that direction. And here’s the thing; this is how it’s supposed to be. If you find yourself making promises for the future and using the words I love you too soon, you’re going to be in a failed relationship. Maybe this doesn’t always hold true, but from my experience it does. Someone who promises you the world way too soon isn’t at all prepared to offer you the entire world when that time comes around. It’s also important to note: It’s not bad to not be in love with your significant other. I mean, if you’ve been together for years, this is a different story. But if you’ve been seeing each other for a handful of months, love isn’t a necessity. Love grows and is built over time with comfort and repetitive support. Don’t push that four letter word. When you feel it say it. But don’t be afraid to not feel it, especially at first. 

That’s it for now. I should have been in bed long ago. Maybe I’ll add more later? 


Trying to Climb the Stairs

Trying to Climb the Stairs

I don’t have much to say tonight. Just simply that I had a wonderful day and am glad that someone is taking the time to remind me how good it feels to just relax. Unfortunately, I relaxed while my professor sat emailing me hours and hours of work to have completed by Thursday. Let’s just say the relaxation was great, but now I’m stressed and crunched for time. Another snow day might be awesome, but I know I’m pushing my luck by asking for another one of those. 

Oh, and just for the record, today was the first time in my life EVER when I scored at least 3 strikes in a row in a game of bowling. And not duckpins either; true bowling! I had a lot of fun and am starting to see the benefits of making new friends. Funny thing though, I don’t want to push my luck.

You know how, at the beginning of any new friendship, everything seems just fine and dandy? Too good to be true? As much fun as I’m having, I cannot help but think I’m still in this newbie phase and that some day soon I will grow out of it and this friendship of mine will change.

Here’s the thing about life I guess. You cannot guarantee that things are going to go your way. You cannot be completely certain that you are going to agree with or get along with every person who you want to be friends with. The hardest part about life at the end of the day, at least in my opinion, is coming to terms with the fact that you cannot be completely satisfied at all times. Unless you care about nothing, have no goals in life, and wish for nothing more than to be a vegetable… life is going to disappoint you. 

The thing I’m trying to work on now is just not disappointing myself. I don’t want to make any mistakes here. I know, I am seeming overly dramatic, but friendship means a lot to me. I take that interaction with a person very seriously even if it’s another girl or even a guy who I have no intention of falling in love with. This outlook allows me to have very few friends but some of the best friends in the world. I don’t want to change my outlook, but at the same time I don’t want to keep avoiding interaction as I have been.

I remember the day I met my ex. It was a weird and awkward day. But our conversation just flowed and from that point on we almost never stopped talking. The ability to talk to someone openly and honestly is something that I always crave. There always seems to be a stop-gap between your own thoughts and the conversations that you feel you can comfortably have with any one person. I heard this saying once, “Marry someone who you can talk to. When you’re old and grey that trait will come in handy.” I guess I just never expected to be able to talk to someone so easily and have them not be the person I was going to marry. Over the years I guess I should have seen the signs, and maybe at times I did. But now, when life lays in pieces around my feet and my legs are just itching to run while my hands just want to reach down and start re-gluing things together… I guess I just don’t know where to go or who to turn to. Back is definitely not an option. Forward is a given. But the present seems great too. Yet I don’t know if this new friendship of mine is an eye opener or another disappointment. I don’t know if I’m setting myself up for failure here or if I’m just taking a semi-sensible risk. 

For those of you still reading this crappy post, I do sincerely apologize. Once I get my head out of the muck, I will try to write something more easily read and something that you may actually get a lesson, fact, etc. from. In the meantime, I hope anyone else out there who is trying to get over a relationship or some kind of heartache is finding our common traits comforting. 

For now,


The Renewal

The Renewal

So I’m back! I hate not having enough time to write on a regular basis, and if anyone is actually out there trying to keep up with my posts, I apologize for being so sporadic. I’ll try to be better.

Especially since my therapist says it’s best for me to continue to write. Especially about one thing: my past relationship. I realized something today while talking to her; I have one of these brains that never lets anything go. It’s not that I dwell on my past, try to return to my past, or try to relive it. Instead, I just have this acute memory. When something or someone comes along in the present that reminds me of something or someone I have experienced or been around before, the past flashes back in my head. And then I get over it again and move on until the next time.

Most recently the thing that has come back to me is my engagement. So I decided that I needed some more posts about it, some more chances to get over the whole thing or to at least come to terms with it. Oh sure, the letter that I wrote months ago helped. It only helped for a while though. So here goes nothing. (Forewarning: I have no idea what is going to end up on the rest of this entry.)

A few weeks ago someone had convinced me that I should sign up for this social networking app to find myself a new guy. I laughed at them. Then I signed up anyway; I figured there was no harm in trying to find new friends. Too bad no one else was on the site to make friends. They all wanted s** or something other than friendship.

The past few weeks have been really strange. Some guys seem nice, others never reply to comments, still more are just plain perverted. Who’s idea was this again?!

Then, about a week ago, one of the guys caught my attention. I don’t even remember exactly why I tried to talk to him now, but I did. Some of the things he said in his profile were funny; others were interesting and made me wonder what kind of person this guy was. We ended up talking quite a bit via text and the app.

One of the other guys I was talking to recently tried to convince me that no one should be alone on Valentine’s Day and that, regardless of whether I went with my sister or some other friend, I should do something special to celebrate myself. I laughed at them. I feel bad for it now…

Randomly, out of the middle of nowhere, on Saturday I started hinting to this guy that I wanted to do something fun. Go to the movies, go shopping, who knows. I hinted ALL DAY LONG! Actually, I hinted on Friday as well but it never worked out.

Around 3:30 on Saturday, he decided to take the “bait” and set up a time to meet me at the movies. And you know what happened? Absolutely nothing! No crying, no puking, no shaking. No extreme cases of paranoia or melt downs of any kind.

You know what did happen? I laughed. I relaxed. I had fun. I actually enjoyed myself. Whoa.

And today, do you know what happened? I went to lunch with him again. Walked around, held hands. He even kissed me before we left. And you know what’s even more shocking; I LET HIM!

So why all the description about what happened over the past few days? Because this guy is… something else. A dear friend for sure, even if it has only been a few days. More than that in the future? I’ll let you decide what you think about that. I surely don’t know or understand the future. I barely understand the present.

Since it seems proper at this point, I’ll use a list. Because there are a few things that I do know. Here they are:

  1. Ever since my relationship ended in August, I have avoided fun and relaxation. Part of me didn’t even realize I was doing it. This weekend was like a (good) slap in the face. A wake up call. 
  2. Also, ever since my relationship, I have avoided guys like the plague. If you’re a guy you better work with me or be related; otherwise you might as well forget it!
  3. This weekend made me realize that I need more friends, I need more socialization. Maybe more than even that, I need to take time off from school after I get my Masters. I need a break. A me break. A time to spend on doing only the things I love and want to do. I’ve never had that before, not really even as a child. At least not since I was in Middle School. 
  4. People will remind me of the past. People will always remind me of the past. It’s what happens, it’s how my brain works. So today I realized, I need to figure out how to get over this. I need to go back and re-analyze my relationships from my past and I need to try to lay them even more to rest than what they already are. In particular, I need to figure out a way to stop caring that my fiance is okay. I don’t still love him, but somehow I still care. And I shouldn’t. It’s not fair to me, it’s not right for me. But it is. 

If that guy who took me out this week is reading this now by any chance, just know I can never repay you. God only knows if I’ll be able to go back and re-sort my thoughts about my ex. No one knows if I’ll be able to come to more peace with the whole situation. But at least I realized that I need to try. 

Since I need to try, I’ve started a new category on my blog; the Breakup Chronicles. Maybe one day it won’t be about a breakup anymore. Maybe one day it’ll be about the things that I learned from that relationship, from the breakup too. And even more than that, maybe one day the whole thing will be about how I moved on and applied the lessons that I’ve started to learn. 

Seriously though, thank you for waking me up and helping me realize that I am not living my life. I’m just stumbling through it. I might have a lot of accomplishments, but I haven’t experienced fun in a really REALLY long time. 


The Last Dear John


Dear John

Most of us know that the term Dear John Letters refers to letters sent to soldiers who are away from home. But these aren’t just any letters; these are breakup letters sent from girlfriends who have decided to move on while their soldier is busy fighting not only for his life but for all of ours as well.

I love writing letters by hand as well as through the typewriter that I inherited. I’m not sure if it’s my understanding of the English language or the relaxation of writing that I love most.

Regardless, I use to write my boyfriend letters. After a conversation about the movie Dear John, I decided to start off each of my letters with “Dear John”. Now before you jump to conclusions, let me clarify that I wasn’t doing this to scare my guy. Instead I was doing it as a term of endearment because his name actually was John.

So what is the relation between this piece of my past and now? Well now I am ready to write another letter, one last Dear John. This time is different though; this time I am not writing of love, nor am I writing to break anyone’s heart. No, this time I am writing a final goodbye. Unlike the other letters, this one won’t be mailed, it won’t reach its intended reader, and it won’t be written or pressed into ink. This time, the last letter will nestle itself into the small space designated for it somewhere within the archives of my blog, my personal and yet very public confession journal. 

Dear John,

Just over three years ago, you walked into my life. I guess you didn’t even walk in per say, more like typed your way in. Into my world, into my mind, into my heart. I told you then and I’ll tell you the same thing now; dating me is a mistake. A friendship that can be so easily shattered, emotions that are so extremely fragile; none of these things make for a good relationship. Unfortunately, I’m that girl. I told you this then, and I’m telling you now.

Look where we ended up. I’m sitting here on my couch in the North, you’re doing something near your home in the South. I hate to say we ended like the Civil War, because it was worse. Most people got over their animosities after The War, but our war was different. There was triumph and defeat, with no bartering or forgiving in between. Each side made mistakes, each side was searching for something they had never known before. For a while, we peacefully found that thing, that joy. And then it was gone…

The reason I’m even writing you this letter now is because I don’t know where to go from here. It’s not that you ruined me or that I want you back. Yet your friends and your family… they were mine too. Now that they’re still your’s, it seems awkward that they are also still mine. But I hope that’s what it is. It’s unfair of you to take everyone with you, everyone I loved and cared about. I’ve grown to be a part of your family whether you like it or not, and kicking me out of that circle is what hurts more than anything else.

Why don’t I love you, you say? Well, I do… I did. You hardened your heart against me and you told me lies. I promised you from the beginning there were only two ways to lose me, either by lies or through the shattering of my heart. Congratulations, you’ve done both. But before I say congratulations, I should also let you know that while you successfully fulfilled both of these “requirements”, you did forget some things that are even more important.

1) You hurt me, you shattered me, but you moved on and I held on. I know, it sounds immature of me to hold on to hope for so long after you decided that you loved some other girl. But now? Now I don’t  regret anything that I did in this entire relationship. And you? You’ll regret it at some point. One day you will realize that you threw away your fiance for some girl who isn’t going to understand you or stick by your side nearly as easily or as well as I did. I may not be perfect, but I know you like no one else. 

2) Guess what else you forgot? I’m not alone. You may think that by ruining our relationship and leaving me in the dust, you killed me and left me for the vultures, but you didn’t. You gave me life, you showed me the light, and you led me back to what was truly important. For weeks now I have been so wrapped up in trying to work things out, to work through this mess with you. And now that you cut ties with me, I have no more worries. No one can touch me the way you did, no one else can bring me that hurt. And the funny thing is, it didn’t hurt all that bad to begin with. Now I’m left in the peace and sunshine to enjoy my life with my family and friends, the true ones, the real ones.

3) Know why all of this didn’t really hurt? Because my brain is mature for my age, and immaturity is one of my biggest pet peeves. Recently I had this flashback to middle school, yet strangely enough, it wasn’t middle school after all. You were there, as were our jobs, my ability to drive, and the way that I took care of myself even when no one else was around. At the end of the day I realized that it wasn’t middle school at all; it was my life, now, with people in it who were mature enough to get along with me and with those who were not. While some of these people may not remain, the ones that do are the ones I can truly trust. Just because you threw yourself into the immature mix doesn’t mean that I’ll go on praying that you’ll take me back.

4) And just so we are clear, I am NEVER taking you back. You shatter me once, I learn a lesson. You shatter me twice? Not gonna happen! I’m stronger than that, smarter than that, and more independent than anyone in my life believes me to be. If you think I cannot live without you, try again. I’ve lost more people in my life than you may have ever known, and I’m still going strong. 

Speaking of which, I am strong. I’m a woman and I don’t break easily. I cry when I feel sad, I cry when I feel angry. But one thing that I never do is give up on myself. I do the right thing, I see all situations through. But if, at the end of the day, the situations turns to mud, I let it wash away with the tide. I do not continue to rebuild until the mud is a tower, I do not rebuild until I am trapped inside. Every architect has an exit plan, but every smart architect has two. 

I think the last thing that really needs to be said is that I still have all of your crap in my house. Actually, I quite like the things that you gave me. Your favorite shirt, your most comfy pajama pants… I like these things because they remind me of you. Let’s not get confused though; I don’t care for them anymore, and they won’t be found scattered around my place. If you ever want them back, they’ll be in a box in my basement. Why? Because I tried to talk to you about them, I tried to get your new address. All I wanted was to send them back to you. But before you would even hear me out, you sicked your new girl on me to let me know just how immature and dependent on others I am. (For the record, that tactic did not work. I laughed instead; not at her, but at her sad attempt to ruin me.) 

I owe you nothing. If anything you owe me. But let’s just call it even alright? I promise to leave your things in a box in my basement until I forget who they belong to. You just need to promise me… nothing. I’ll keep your things out of the kindness of my heart. And if one day you decide to ask for them back, I’ll even pay to have them shipped to you. This act, while also kind by many means, is not due to my heart. No, the thing is, as soon as you get your crap back, the sooner I don’t need to ever think, feel, or talk of you again. So please, figure it out soon. Remember you forgot your shirt and call me. Remember how to be a man and ask for your things back so I don’t have some even better reason to burn them or donate them to people who actually deserve the things you once had

Whatever happens, don’t forget one thing: I loved you then and I love you now. But let’s get one thing straight, I loved you then because you made me a stronger woman, you lifted me just an inch higher than I already was. Now… now I love what you did for me, not what you are doing or what you may at some point try to do. Now, all I love is your memory

~The One That Got Away

For those of you girls who are struggling in a relationship or who have just been through a breakup, I hope you read this. I hope you see that no man can tear you down, no relationship is the end of your life. Remember that you are not alone, and no matter what, remember the things that I’ve highlighted in red. You are strong, you are amazing, you owe people nothing unless they first give to you; all you owe is your kindness to a stranger and your love to a true friend. Keep on keeping on girls; just don’t forget to cherish those memories!