It seems like every time I write on here anymore it’s for a negative reason. I don’t mean it to be that way, but I have found that I am a lot happier living my busy life rather than writing about it these days. It’s only in these moments when I feel the need to come back and use my writing as a tool to help me sort out all of this unexpected.
Not even sure where to start really, so I’ll start with this: does anyone ever feel like people from the past continually try to pop back up in your life even if you consistently try to forget about them? That started happening to me about a month ago. I tried not to let it bug me but I guess the truth is that those people still have the ability to affect me, even when I don’t understand why.
Even now that nonsense continues, but at least I know I am not the only one struggling with this fight. My family doesn’t appreciate the actions of these others either, actions that I can only seem to describe as intrusions.
Work started about two weeks ago now, and I knew from the first day that I was in for some kind of new experience. I never realized until just this past week that the place I once knew is different now. And I realized that sometimes it’s not the place at all, but the people who make places feel like homes. Last year that place was a home to me, at least in some sense of the word. But now that the family has left in numerous directions, it has been feeling more like that building is an empty barn. I am really trying to make the adjustments that this year will require of me but I know that so far I have been completely unsuccessful.
Then there’s life outside of work, which is again working through some strange plan of God’s that I doubt I ever understand. I’ve been having trouble going to church still, and I’m no longer sure it would help if I did go. But what I do know is that God has taken a lot of hope from me recently. Early last week my family learned that my aunt probably doesn’t have much longer to live. That is hard enough to deal with, particularly to someone who has too many emotions like me. But on Thursday she ended up in the ER. That makes it seem worse or maybe like death is faster approaching.
That same day one of my friends lost his battle with bladder cancer. It was some form that is really rare and wasn’t really treatable. I’m going to go see his family tomorrow night but I know my timing is already tight because of an appointment I have beforehand. Hopefully it all works out.
I think the best thing about all of this mixed up nonsense is that it gets to weasel its way into the other corners of my brain too. Who would have thought that a death or the hopelessness I am starting to feel would have such an affect on every part of me. This weekend I even threw all of my caution to the wind and took a risk in my life. I’m still not sure that it was the best choice, but I definitely don’t regret it. In fact it turned out really well. So am I growing up or simply growing careless?
I fear it may be carelessness simply because my brain has been able to run rampant recently, though I feel as if I have been trying to remain calm. Even things like my boyfriend and my family have been stress triggers. Those people haven’t done anything wrong, but my brain seems to believe that my status with them is going to change for the worse somehow and that it will be my fault. Keeping thoughts like that at bay is extremely difficult, but trying to explain them to someone else, even just to ask for help, is way harder than dealing alone sometimes. So many bad things could be inferred from any of those feelings of mine. At least I feel solid in my relationships and I know what I love and want. I just hope when everyone else hears my thoughts they will understand what I mean too and will keep in mind that as strong and smart as I am, I don’t always choose the feelings and worries that my mind chooses to give me. Trust me, I wish I did.