Monthly Archives: February 2015

Because this sometimes you just feel awesome…

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Because this sometimes you just feel awesome…

So here’s the thing… I don’t always do the smart thing, but I always do the thing that is most important to me at the time. So this morning when I heard there was no work today, what did I do? Decided I wasn’t going to do anything important all day long. No, I was just going to mess around, relax, and MAYBE do some homework. Lucky, irresponsible me.

The day was great, it was amazing. I think I had the best sub I’ve ever eaten in my life, and I watched some pretty fantastic movies. I even had my favorite kind of sweet tea- that Gold Peak stuff? Yum..

But then, I got home after being in this amazing place and yet being nervous… and I realized, uh oh. I hadn’t done much work. So I figured, what better way to prove that I truly have been doing my work and taking my responsibilities seriously than to take an exam tonight and kick it’s butt!

It took me almost an hour to get the professor on the phone and ask him to let me take the exam this evening. Then I had about 30 minutes to study and just enough time to shower before the exam started. About five minutes ago I finished, and you know what? I passed. I DID KICK BUTT! I scored an 84%,which, for those of you who have never been in a Graduate program should know, is not an easy score to reach!

So now I’m just exhausted, brain dead, and really really appreciative for everything that everyone has done for me. While this guy (who is NOT my boyfriend.. haha) sits here and smiles at me like a silly goofball, I cannot help but feel that I am surrounded by the best people in the world. 

And I guess, especially with these people around me, maybe it’s okay to think that I am a great person every once in a while. I don’t think I’m the best person ever, that I’m the smartest, etc. But it’s okay to believe that I’m good, that I’m strong, and that I’m successful when I really set my mind to something. 

Now that I’ve passed this test, it’s safe to say that I only have one more exam before my Masters degree is in my hands! And more than that, I think it’s safe to say that I’ve found my method of motivation for the next month as I study for this one. Too bad I’m not going to reveal what that motivation is just yet. Maybe some day…

~Me

It’s Cold (but my heart is warm)!

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Today has been a much better day than yesterday was. I guess there are these things in life that make you realize just how important certain things in life truly are. 

As if being all overly emotional and disgusting around my friend wasn’t bad enough, I got home to find my mom crying on the living room couch. Her best friend died. So you know what happened? I sat. And I cried with her. Not just because my mom was sad but because I was sad too. I didn’t know the lady as well as my mom did, but I knew her enough to know that she meant a lot to my mom and she was a great person. I’ll never forget all the things that she did to liven up my childhood. She even helped to construct a local playground that kids are absolutely fascinated with. Let’s face it, I just wish I were still little enough to go there and play! 

But back to the topic at hand… today I decided my mom needed something extra special to make her happy. So I decided that I would make her a list of all the ways that she has influenced people from all walks of life and all ages. First, I asked my sister what Mom did to most influence her. Then I wrote down my own ideas. When I got to work, I asked students to do a self-assessment of my teaching abilities and to list one positive way that I had influenced them and one negative way (or criticism) that they had of my experience with them. 

I’d love to say my heart was in the right place. Unfortunately, my kids are still too young to realize how useful the truth and seriousness would have been on these evaluations; not just for my mom’s gift but for my knowledge as well. Instead of taking it seriously though, I got completely random answers that were sweet and to the point, but not detailed enough to make a list seem special enough for my mom. 

So for now I’ve ditched the idea. What do you do for a mom who has everything anyway? I mean, we don’t have EVERYTHING. We don’t live some rich, fancy life. But we do have each other, and just that realization changes our entire outlook on the rest of the world. Her friend might have passed away, but guess what? My mom woke up this morning feeling much less sad and much more proud to be a part of our family. 

If my mom is out there reading this (which I guarantee she is not), then I hope she knows how much she is loved. I hope she realizes how much of an influence she has been to me… to a lot of people. Without even trying it. Every heart that I touch has been touched because of her. Every characteristic that I possess has been carefully created and molded by my parents. She doesn’t think she’s as smart as me or as talented in many areas, but there is one thing I cannot do that my mom can: Love someone so unconditionally that the love influences every part of their lives whether they realize it or not. 

To my momma- I love you. 


Oh, and just so everyone is clear: My friend stuck by my side and today was an even better day because of what I felt and how I acted yesterday. Maybe, even though I’ve never read the Bible entirely and maybe, even though I don’t have all of the scriptures and sins, etc. memorized… maybe God and Christianity do have some really good points. Not that I was ever entirely doubting. But the more I live, the more I learn. To the point that I might actually be able to explain some facet of my religion to someone else someday! Not to try to convert them or anything, but to share my opinion in an educated, fair, and graceful manner. 

Anyway, back to my point: Maybe God does truly watch over me at every second of every day. I don’t like some of the things that I go through because of negative influences and tragic events. But maybe God actually helps walk me through those events so I can find the rainbows on the other side of the tunnel. Maybe by the time I’m old and gray, I will have learned lessons that only I can begin to fathom at this point. Regardless of whether I am right or someone of another religious belief is right; at least I have this to lean on now. At least I have this hope, this faith, and this firm belief that I am loved no matter where I am at. And maybe in that way, my parents and my sister are pieces of God and Heaven themselves. The Lord knows I couldn’t have found any better ones than the ones he chose for me. 

Feeling Lost

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Before I start this post, I feel it’s important to let everyone here know that my entire life is not bad. I am not a naturally negative person 100% of the time in my life. If you are reading my blog, you will notice some very negative posts. This may end up being one of them. However, I come here to write, not to put icing on top of cupcakes. If you don’t understand, you may wish to stop reading now.


Tonight is such a weird night. This weekend was so amazing, and so was Monday and Tuesday. I made a great friend who I am enjoying getting to know, and being able to talk to someone openly and honestly is something that I seek every day it seems. Here’s the thing though; Every time I think I’ve found that someone who is willing to deal with me, all of me, not just the parts I feel are safe to share, I turn out either completely wrong or at the very least completely confused.

Have you ever met one of those people who wears their heart on their sleeves? But even more than that, they act like they are in love with you just because you give them the time of day? I hope I don’t come across as that possessive, but sometimes my happiness is overwhelming. Sometimes I’m even overwhelmed by it. 

So I think I scared this new friend away, mostly because I don’t know how to shut up and I want to know everything there is to learn and know in this world. I didn’t say anything rude, mean, nasty, or negative really. I just talked about me… way. too. much. 

From my perspective I’m not a bad person to be around. I don’t have this goal in my life to put myself before everyone else, to focus on my goals and success over others’ feelings. To me, from my perspective, that seems like traits that a good friend should possess. But maybe I’m wrong…

I get it. People get confused, especially guys. Am I in love with them or just really open and emotional? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. But I tell you right now, even if this confusion is the stupidest reason in the world to lose a friend, it happens time and time again. And, at the end of the day, if this is the reason that I lose a friend, I blame myself, not them. I mean, maybe it’s nobody’s fault. It doesn’t seem like a mixed-up bit of communication is any particular person’s fault. But it stinks nonetheless, and I make sure that I take the blame for that one. 

So here I sit, hoping I’m not going to have to take the blame again. I know, regardless of what other people do, I should not tear myself down. But it just seems like every time I find happiness, it falls apart. Even a friend. Something that people take for granted every day! Teenagers would rather be popular than to have more friends just because. Even adults can be like that sometimes. I see the beauty in every relationship, even in relationships with people that I cannot stand. There is something to be learned from every interaction that you have. 

So for the record, if said friend is reading this… or if God is listening, I could use some help. I don’t need to fall in love. I don’t need to be your best friend. And I really really don’t mean to be so emotional. It’s just how I am. I’m happy because you decided to share some experience with me. Even just one. I’m not trying to act like a lunatic. If people could just understand that, I know I could be a much less sheltered person. Heck, I wouldn’t need to hide behind this blog post just so I could ask for some forgiveness for being myself. But anyway, if I could just have my friend back, that would be great. And if that’s not the road I’m supposed to take, then I just pray that someone will show me which way I am supposed to be going. Because obviously I’m a little bit lost in the dark.  

Feeling sad,

~Me

Trying to Climb the Stairs

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Trying to Climb the Stairs

I don’t have much to say tonight. Just simply that I had a wonderful day and am glad that someone is taking the time to remind me how good it feels to just relax. Unfortunately, I relaxed while my professor sat emailing me hours and hours of work to have completed by Thursday. Let’s just say the relaxation was great, but now I’m stressed and crunched for time. Another snow day might be awesome, but I know I’m pushing my luck by asking for another one of those. 

Oh, and just for the record, today was the first time in my life EVER when I scored at least 3 strikes in a row in a game of bowling. And not duckpins either; true bowling! I had a lot of fun and am starting to see the benefits of making new friends. Funny thing though, I don’t want to push my luck.

You know how, at the beginning of any new friendship, everything seems just fine and dandy? Too good to be true? As much fun as I’m having, I cannot help but think I’m still in this newbie phase and that some day soon I will grow out of it and this friendship of mine will change.

Here’s the thing about life I guess. You cannot guarantee that things are going to go your way. You cannot be completely certain that you are going to agree with or get along with every person who you want to be friends with. The hardest part about life at the end of the day, at least in my opinion, is coming to terms with the fact that you cannot be completely satisfied at all times. Unless you care about nothing, have no goals in life, and wish for nothing more than to be a vegetable… life is going to disappoint you. 

The thing I’m trying to work on now is just not disappointing myself. I don’t want to make any mistakes here. I know, I am seeming overly dramatic, but friendship means a lot to me. I take that interaction with a person very seriously even if it’s another girl or even a guy who I have no intention of falling in love with. This outlook allows me to have very few friends but some of the best friends in the world. I don’t want to change my outlook, but at the same time I don’t want to keep avoiding interaction as I have been.

I remember the day I met my ex. It was a weird and awkward day. But our conversation just flowed and from that point on we almost never stopped talking. The ability to talk to someone openly and honestly is something that I always crave. There always seems to be a stop-gap between your own thoughts and the conversations that you feel you can comfortably have with any one person. I heard this saying once, “Marry someone who you can talk to. When you’re old and grey that trait will come in handy.” I guess I just never expected to be able to talk to someone so easily and have them not be the person I was going to marry. Over the years I guess I should have seen the signs, and maybe at times I did. But now, when life lays in pieces around my feet and my legs are just itching to run while my hands just want to reach down and start re-gluing things together… I guess I just don’t know where to go or who to turn to. Back is definitely not an option. Forward is a given. But the present seems great too. Yet I don’t know if this new friendship of mine is an eye opener or another disappointment. I don’t know if I’m setting myself up for failure here or if I’m just taking a semi-sensible risk. 

For those of you still reading this crappy post, I do sincerely apologize. Once I get my head out of the muck, I will try to write something more easily read and something that you may actually get a lesson, fact, etc. from. In the meantime, I hope anyone else out there who is trying to get over a relationship or some kind of heartache is finding our common traits comforting. 

For now,

~Me

The Renewal

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The Renewal

So I’m back! I hate not having enough time to write on a regular basis, and if anyone is actually out there trying to keep up with my posts, I apologize for being so sporadic. I’ll try to be better.

Especially since my therapist says it’s best for me to continue to write. Especially about one thing: my past relationship. I realized something today while talking to her; I have one of these brains that never lets anything go. It’s not that I dwell on my past, try to return to my past, or try to relive it. Instead, I just have this acute memory. When something or someone comes along in the present that reminds me of something or someone I have experienced or been around before, the past flashes back in my head. And then I get over it again and move on until the next time.

Most recently the thing that has come back to me is my engagement. So I decided that I needed some more posts about it, some more chances to get over the whole thing or to at least come to terms with it. Oh sure, the letter that I wrote months ago helped. It only helped for a while though. So here goes nothing. (Forewarning: I have no idea what is going to end up on the rest of this entry.)


A few weeks ago someone had convinced me that I should sign up for this social networking app to find myself a new guy. I laughed at them. Then I signed up anyway; I figured there was no harm in trying to find new friends. Too bad no one else was on the site to make friends. They all wanted s** or something other than friendship.

The past few weeks have been really strange. Some guys seem nice, others never reply to comments, still more are just plain perverted. Who’s idea was this again?!

Then, about a week ago, one of the guys caught my attention. I don’t even remember exactly why I tried to talk to him now, but I did. Some of the things he said in his profile were funny; others were interesting and made me wonder what kind of person this guy was. We ended up talking quite a bit via text and the app.

One of the other guys I was talking to recently tried to convince me that no one should be alone on Valentine’s Day and that, regardless of whether I went with my sister or some other friend, I should do something special to celebrate myself. I laughed at them. I feel bad for it now…

Randomly, out of the middle of nowhere, on Saturday I started hinting to this guy that I wanted to do something fun. Go to the movies, go shopping, who knows. I hinted ALL DAY LONG! Actually, I hinted on Friday as well but it never worked out.

Around 3:30 on Saturday, he decided to take the “bait” and set up a time to meet me at the movies. And you know what happened? Absolutely nothing! No crying, no puking, no shaking. No extreme cases of paranoia or melt downs of any kind.

You know what did happen? I laughed. I relaxed. I had fun. I actually enjoyed myself. Whoa.

And today, do you know what happened? I went to lunch with him again. Walked around, held hands. He even kissed me before we left. And you know what’s even more shocking; I LET HIM!


So why all the description about what happened over the past few days? Because this guy is… something else. A dear friend for sure, even if it has only been a few days. More than that in the future? I’ll let you decide what you think about that. I surely don’t know or understand the future. I barely understand the present.

Since it seems proper at this point, I’ll use a list. Because there are a few things that I do know. Here they are:

  1. Ever since my relationship ended in August, I have avoided fun and relaxation. Part of me didn’t even realize I was doing it. This weekend was like a (good) slap in the face. A wake up call. 
  2. Also, ever since my relationship, I have avoided guys like the plague. If you’re a guy you better work with me or be related; otherwise you might as well forget it!
  3. This weekend made me realize that I need more friends, I need more socialization. Maybe more than even that, I need to take time off from school after I get my Masters. I need a break. A me break. A time to spend on doing only the things I love and want to do. I’ve never had that before, not really even as a child. At least not since I was in Middle School. 
  4. People will remind me of the past. People will always remind me of the past. It’s what happens, it’s how my brain works. So today I realized, I need to figure out how to get over this. I need to go back and re-analyze my relationships from my past and I need to try to lay them even more to rest than what they already are. In particular, I need to figure out a way to stop caring that my fiance is okay. I don’t still love him, but somehow I still care. And I shouldn’t. It’s not fair to me, it’s not right for me. But it is. 

If that guy who took me out this week is reading this now by any chance, just know I can never repay you. God only knows if I’ll be able to go back and re-sort my thoughts about my ex. No one knows if I’ll be able to come to more peace with the whole situation. But at least I realized that I need to try. 

Since I need to try, I’ve started a new category on my blog; the Breakup Chronicles. Maybe one day it won’t be about a breakup anymore. Maybe one day it’ll be about the things that I learned from that relationship, from the breakup too. And even more than that, maybe one day the whole thing will be about how I moved on and applied the lessons that I’ve started to learn. 

Seriously though, thank you for waking me up and helping me realize that I am not living my life. I’m just stumbling through it. I might have a lot of accomplishments, but I haven’t experienced fun in a really REALLY long time. 

~Me

(Approximately) 20 Must Know Facts For Pet Owners

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Animals are one of my passions, my loves. There’s nothing like a bit of unconditional love from a puppy… or any other animal for that matter. Sure, animals are independent beings, so they don’t always show this love. But many of them are absolutely adorable and loving. 

One of my biggest concerns in this world is that so many animals are mistreated by humans. We are humans ourselves, whether we care to admit it or not. If we don’t expect nor allow any other species to control or manipulate us, then why should we be able to do so to them?

I beg you, regardless of whether you are buying a goldfish for your five year old or purchasing a horse for your teenager to ride in the local rodeo— do your research first! To help get you started, here are 20 simple things that you need to know about animals. 

  1. All animals react to loud noises. Be smart about the volume of music in the car, the engine that you rev outside of the barn, etc. If you scare off the animal because of a loud noise, it’s much harder to make them comfortable in their new environment.
  2. All animals need stimulation and exercise. Treat them like human babies; they need proper food, water, learning environments, etc. Even if you own a goldfish, make sure they have enough space to swim and get exercise! Also make sure they are given the appropriate amount of food.
  3. Check your resources! Thanks to stolenpets.com, I have found that approximately 90% of lost or stolen animals (mostly dogs) are never found again. Of these, a large majority of them have been stolen and sold to unsuspecting potential owners… or worse! Make sure that you not only buy from a reputable pet owner (even if they are not a breeder, ask for references). Additionally, take all precautions possible to ensure your pet does not become one of those who are stolen and sold (use microchips, ID tags, collars, fenced yards, etc.).
  4. Determine your pet’s comfort zone. Once you get to know your pet’s personality, you will be able to tell which corner of their cage or which area of the house/barn they retreat to when they are uncomfortable, scared, or want to be left alone. Learn this space and understand not to nag at your animal when they are wishing for some “privacy.”
  5. Before buying a pet, talk to a local veterinarian. Prices are extremely high for health care (as we all know), and it’s no cheaper for an animal! While some require less maintenance, keeping many pets medicated and healthy costs thousands of dollars per year! Suggestion: Go one step farther and calculate cages, food supplies, toys, and other items that will be needed for the first year to ensure that you truly can afford your pet. Add a decent amount of money (depending on the type of pet) to ensure that emergency situations are also covered. 
  6. Don’t leave your pet with strangers. Expect your life to change. If you are used to taking random vacations whenever you feel like it, be prepared to stop. Animals are just like kids; you cannot leave them with the next-door neighbor just because you feel like taking a trip. Also remember that there are a lot of places where it is unlikely that you can take your pet along on a vacation!
  7. Research the types of interaction techniques that you should use with your pet. Especially for our 4-legged friends, it is important to determine what kind of interactions should be introduced to your animal at a young age. Allowing puppies to jump up, nip, etc. will be harder habits to break if you don’t start to correct them (though gently) at an early age. To determine the appropriate training techniques for interactions with strangers and other animals, do specific research on your species and breed of pet. 
  8. You will get emotionally attached. If you have children, they will get even more attached. Choose your pet wisely and be sure to monitor their health closely. Be prepared to explain to your kids (and to deal with yourself) the death of a pet. Unless you buy a parrot, chances are your pet will die long before you will. 
  9. Try to have emergency contact numbers for your veterinarian. If they are unwilling to share a cell number for weekend emergencies, determine the closest emergency clinic and make sure their number is programmed into your cell phone. It should also be available at home in case of emergency. (Along with this note: Always leave sitters with emergency contact numbers for your pet.)
  10. In case of a fight between two pets of the same species (or even any other animal and your pet), take proper precautions before approaching the fight and do not step between two snarling, biting animals. This is another reason why it is important to research pet training and obedience before acclimating your animal to other humans and animals. 
  11. Understand the foods (especially human foods), products, and materials that are poisonous to your animal’s species. Dogs and cats are especially susceptible to accidental poisoning because people like to feed them food without understanding the allergies and toxins that dogs and cats possess or are affected by. 
  12. For any animals, but especially for barnyard animals, be sure to check local laws and statutes. There are areas where certain pets cannot be owned. Additionally, there are strict rules outlining the needs and specifications that must be included in a large animal’s habitat. Before providing a home for a horse, cow, pig, llama, etc. be sure that you can meet all of the laws. Don’t worry- the laws are for the safety of the animal. If you intend to be a good pet owner, you shouldn’t have any trouble following the rules!
  13. Buy supplies before you buy the pet! The basics are a must, but additional toys and products are never harmful!
  14. Have a plan for your pet when no one is at home. Jobs and school often get in the way of a pet’s exercise, grooming, feeding, and attention. Sit down as a family and ensure that a schedule can be set for your pet that stays constant throughout the week. It is important for them to have consistency, especially in their feeding and bathroom schedules (assuming you have an indoor animal that needs to be let outside).
  15. Understand common health concerns that the breed or species may exhibit. Certain breeds of dogs or horses are known for particular health problems. Be sure you can identify these problems and have them treated if your pet shows any symptoms for an ailment.
  16. Keep gauze wrap (like that which is used on horses and small animals) in your bathroom closet or wherever you keep your animal supplies. Again, depending on the species, this may not be useful. However, if an animal is injured by a cut, bite, etc. be prepared to immediately contact the veterinarian and have gauze and other padding available to stop bleeding if necessary.

I’m either getting tired or have simply used too many general ideas. In any case, I’m having trouble coming up with the last 4 things you need to know. Just remember, it varies based on the animal you are hoping to have. Do your research! Be smart! Understand that another life is in your hands.

~Me