I’m writing today because there’s nothing else for me to do. I feel pretty stuck at the moment, though it’s not because of my anxiety. Instead, I feel stuck because my life is changing drastically and I don’t know what to say about it. I suddenly feel like I don’t understand other people, like I have no clue how to see situations from an outsider’s perspective. Normally I’m pretty good at seeing things from different points of view, at least to some extent. But now I’m feeling sort of lost in that department.
I won’t get into specifics to explain why I am feeling so incapable of a normally easy task, but I will say that one of my friendships is taking a very drastic dive because of this issue. And the worst part is, I cannot tell if the other person is simply being illogical and not thinking about anyone but themselves (as it is starting to seem from my point of view), or if it is the case that I just cannot see things from their angle to really know what to think.
I also feel like I should not be thinking into this nearly as much as I am, but I cannot stop myself. My brain has no turn off button, and it is pre-programmed to focus on the most stressful things in my mind first. Hence the way this day is working out to not be as good as I thought.
I would like to solve this issue, come to some sort of agreement with my friend, move on. My goal in life is to be happy and to become closer to God, but these issues are just clouding over everything right now. It’s increasing my anxiety, upsetting my stomach, and making me sleep even less. Those, unfortunately, are then reacting with other situations to make my life even harder.
I didn’t go to Church today (that’s another story in itself) but I have been sitting here praying to God to show me the way through this muck. He seems to be telling me that I should just leave things lay. Something will change or occur on its own, so I’m trying to be patient. It’s a very hard thing for me to have patience, so I am also praying about that.
It’s funny how God answers our prayers in ways that we wouldn’t originally want or expect. I don’t want to sit around and wait for things to occur; I’m the type of person who needs to get things done and settled to move on to more goals and accomplishments in my life. Yet I feel that something has been pushing me to just drop this subject and see how it will turn out down the road. Maybe God is telling me to calm down and leave it be- maybe that is the answer to my prayer. It might seem to be an odd one to a person seeking a direct answer to get something solved, but if not solving the problem is an answer, so be it.
Along with everything that has been happening lately, I finally got up the nerve to participate in a Church event. I volunteered this weekend at a picnic that my Church hosted. At first I didn’t really want to help out, especially after I heard that everyone else in my family would be working and unable to go with me. But I was specifically asked by one of the ladies to help, so I felt bad for saying no. It seemed like the golden opportunity to participate in something. I’ve been considering Church choir or another religious-related activity- I’ve just been too nervous and wimpy to try anything new.
The deal that I made with my sister was that I would go to the picnic for about two hours until she got off of work, and then she would come out and help me for the rest of the evening. By the time she got off of work, she was too tired to help, so she went straight home. My dad also left because he thought it was too hot outside, and my grandmother left an hour or so later because she had finished all of the baking and things that she was responsible for.
Truth be told, I don’t know a lot of people at my Church. I go for myself, and sit with my family through the services. There are very few extra activities that my family attends, and as I stated, I don’t participate in any of the organizations. By the time everyone I really knew left, I felt that I was alone. With the way my stress has been amplified lately, and the way that my nerves have been reacting to other situations in my life, being there with a bunch of strangers was too much for me to handle. It seems silly, but it was true.
I ended up coming home early. I felt bad about it, but there was nothing else I could do. I could have stayed and stuck out the rest of the night, but everyone there would have seen my visible distress. I tried to control myself, calm down, and focus on something better, but it was one of those days where even the most powerful control doesn’t stop my thoughts from running rampant.
In the end, I’m glad that I got to do some good. I fear that I’ll never feel comfortable enough at that particular event to volunteer there again (for reasons that I also don’t care to explain). However, I hope that one day there will be people at my Church whom I will know or come to know, so that I might participate in activities involving other people who share my Faith and would be willing to give and get support from a person like me.
To sum this all up, I guess we all just have to keep praying. Volunteering will also help us become better people, at least in some way. And even if it doesn’t all work out perfectly, my advice is to reflect on any situation and find something that you may have learned. Or, if you can find some way in which you have grown, that can turn into an equally good lesson. If you enjoy volunteering or have anything to add to this post, let us all know!