Tag Archives: Love

Step Two (And three, and four, and more…)

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Step Two (And three, and four, and more…)

This weekend has been entertaining to say the least. T and I did go to see a house yesterday morning, though it was super awkward at first. We showed up before our realtor and there were already other vehicles in the parking lot. At first I thought a bunch of people would be joining us for some unknown reason, but then I realized that they were a realtor and another young couple, also being shown the house. I guess we showed up too early? Oops…

In any case, I was super hopeful about the house once we got there. A super ugly trellis had already been torn down, which would make our lives easier in the end. The interior was also cleaner and roomier than I had originally imagined. Though simple painting, re-flooring, and other minor jobs would need to be done, we were starting to see the positives of this cute and manageable house.

Until we got to the basement…

Let’s say when we went down the stairs, it sort of went downhill from there. The entire foundation was cracked the entire way around the house. We could look with our bare eyes and see the dirt peeking through the other side of the cement walls. So, let’s just say we didn’t buy that house or even consider putting an offer on it. The wall was only one of two major things that the websites failed to point out to us. And I get that, I really do. They are trying to sell the house on their end, so they don’t want to post pictures and information that make the house impossible to sell. But be serious; we could have saved ourselves about 30 minutes of time and even more hassle for the realtor who showed us around if we could have just known these two facts before scheduling the meeting.

The day wasn’t over yet though. We went back to the realtor’s office; it’s down a super long hallway, down some stairs, and back up a huge set of stairs. It’s a nice cozy place but it was pretty empty since it was Saturday morning. The realtor (a friend of my mom’s) made us feel at home and gave us all of the possible information that any first time home buyer could ever want. We had a great experience talking to her about the home buying process and learning about the things that we should do next to be successful.

After leaving, it became pretty clear that we were both thinking the same thing: this realtor is going to help us find a home. She was absolutely amazing and professional; she didn’t push us to divulge personal information and made sure that we knew not to speak about our finances or our love/hate of a house in front of any other realtors or the sellers. (Apparently in real estate, this is house hunting suicide.)

Needless to say we were less discouraged about our unfortunate first house viewing after our meeting. We are hopeful to find something new to look at soon.


 

In the meantime, I had to attend church today because I was the lay reader. I know I’ve discussed this in previous posts, but I wish my church would not assume that I can be in attendance when they have never even spoken to me about my schedule. (For those who don’t remember, this is one of many reasons why I have not attended church for almost a year now.)

Knowing how long it had been since I was in attendance, I decided to go and serve my time today. I don’t mind reading the scriptures really; part of me (the teacher part) enjoys being in front of the group and controlling my reading pace and pronunciation of words. It’s just that church is… well church. I know I’m not a “good Christian” when I say that I would much rather be hanging out with T, doing my chores, or even sleeping in rather than attending a service. Especially when our church is so small and there is no one else my age. Especially when the new deaconness that is sitting in as our preacher is… strange. But I digress…

I decided to go to church today knowing full well that T would go home before I left. This meant that I would spend the rest of the day away from him. I am pretty selfish when it comes to our relationship, and I did not want him to leave. I briefly suggested that he go with me, though I thought there was no way in this world he would ever want to go to church. To him religion is not something that is super important in life. It just never popped up after his family stopped attending when he was young. And I hope he realizes that, at least to me, that’s okay. I would never expect him to attend services or do any religious thing with me that I choose to do (unless we one day get married…) I understand that I am deciding to spend less of my Sunday around him, but I am also consciously making the choice knowing full-well that he will not come with me.

Which is why I was surprised when he took my crazy suggestion seriously. Hence T and I ended up at church together. My dad and grandma were there as well. Both seemed surprised to see T with me, but no one said anything. Pretty much the entire time I was sitting beside him, I was more focused on whether he would have some crazy thing to say about the service or whether he would be completely supportive of me and my public speaking.

Turns out he was both. Well sort of. We actually both sat through that service trying not to laugh and roll our eyes. I know, that sounds awful. But the person who gave the sermon today based her entire lecture on groundhog day. She spent at least five minutes reading off the names of all of the groundhogs in the country (and in Canada) that had not seen their shadow on Tuesday. This led in to a discussion about candlemas (the only part that truly connected to any scripture that I read), and ended with a discussion of how religious people (preachers, priests, etc.) are super in-tune with nature and seem to know when winter is ending and spring has begun. Again, not sure how that last part really connected except that it involved priests.

I sometimes wish that I attended a church where there was a good preacher. I’m not actually saying she was awful or that any of our past preachers have been either. But there was this one minister at my old church; he would discuss his daily life and things that had gone on during his week. And even though it sounded nothing like he was preaching, he would somehow find a way to connect his life with our lives. And then all of our lives to the scriptures. Not in some majestic, unfortunately complicated way. Instead, he was like another person speaking to each of us on a personal level. And for some reason, events in his life and the scriptures at the time seemed to line up perfectly with events in my life. I used to walk out of church feeling better, happier, and more hopeful about the upcoming week because at least someone could describe one strange, complicated, or crappy part of my life in words that I would never be able to find. And then he gave us advice; not personal advice per say, but advice in general. Sometimes it would be things about praying more to God or even taking deep breaths in the face of fear or difficulty. In any case, I always got something out of it.

Today, not so much. No offense to anyone out there who was involved in the making of today’s sermon.

I think I sort of strayed off onto a completely other topic there, but oh well. I really just wanted to say that I hope T reads this and realizes how much his actions today meant to me. He held me when I was crying earlier (about some super stupid drama) and then he held me hand through church even though it was completely against his beliefs and usual routine to attend such a service.

Thank you hun. It meant the world.

And to all of you out there who are reading this but are not my boyfriend, stay tuned for more about our house hunting adventure. I have a feeling it’s going to get pretty interesting real soon!

~B

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Soul Revealing Questions: Chapter 1

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Soul

I know that I have posted a lot lately, but I just finished reading Chapter 1 of Souls Revealed, and it ends with a few questions that I figure I ought to answer (since I’m trying this whole answer questions on my blog thing).

Here goes…

  • What are the emotional, material, and spiritual needs in your life?

Emotional- I need to feel loved and cared for. This often requires that I am not alone for long periods of                                            time and that I have people in my life who I can truly trust to support me in all things. I                                                    often feel the need to make others proud of me in order to feel happiness and success. 

Material- My biggest material needs are food, water, clothing, shelter, and a car. I require the car to go                                         to work each day, food (& water & clothing & shelter) for the obvious reasons. It also helps,                                            since I am a teacher and love learning, to have paper, writing utensils, textbooks, and books                                          in general. Would I say these are needs? No. But I am used to having them in my life, and                                               sometimes I think I take them for granted. 

Spiritual- I need my family. While this doesn’t sound spiritual, it is. My mom is extremely spiritual, and                                         she helps to remind me of the things that are important in my spiritual life. My dad is a great                                         inspiration because he reminds me to go to Church on a more regular basis. Both of my                                                   parents set good examples for me of how Christians are supposed to act. My sister is the                                                  greatest example of someone who always does things for others. She inspires me to be a better                                       person in general. I also feel that, while it is not a need per say, this blog is extremely                                                        important to my spiritual life. Being able to read other blogs about religions and positive                                                thinking/actions is an amazing thing in my life. It also helps me to sort out my emotional and                                        spiritual feelings when I wrote posts such as this one. 

  • Where do you go to meet those needs?

                    Church, home, work, and my back yard. Church, for obvious reasons spiritually and emotionally.                                 Home, because I get most of my material needs from there. My family is also there to support me, and I                       can find some quiet time to collect myself spiritually and emotionally before venturing out into the                               world again. Work, because my students set great examples that make me want to be a better person.                         Also because my job allows me to strive to be a better example for the kids, and of course, because I get                      paid. My back yard, because it abuts a field; a big empty field that is so peaceful, quiet, and relaxing that                    I have the perfect opportunity to sit and think while looking out on the countryside. Nature in general is                      a great place to go I think- at least spiritually and emotionally speaking. 

  • Who provides support to you? Who can you rely on in a moment of crisis?

My family. Even my dog can give comfort when I am feeling like being alone but cannot stand to talk to                     anyone. Actually, I am finding it harder to rely on my family at all times and for all crises. I think this is                     mostly because I am growing up, but I also attribute this change to the fact that I got used to speaking                         to someone else about my problems when I was with my ex-fiance. At that point, I relied on him to                              support me at all times. Now that I’ve lost that part of my life, I also feel lost when it comes to emotional                      things. Maybe that’s because it’s hard for me to get over the end of an engagement (something I never                          thought that I would experience), but also because I lost my main source of support at the same time. 

  • Who do you look to in order to share the truth about your life?

                      A diary. I let friends and family in to some parts of my life, but I don’t think anyone knows everything                        about me anymore. 

  • Describe your emotional stability. Are you at your tipping point? Why?

I’m definitely not completely stable right now. It gets even worse when you consider that having anxiety                    to begin with makes me emotionally unstable on a fairly normal basis. I don’t think I’m at my tipping                          point right now; I think I may have already been there and come back from it. At the same time, since                         I’ve lost what I thought of as my future, I’m quite a bit of a mess right now. 

  • What does it take for you to trust?

                  It always takes a lot. The first thing is that the person I am trusting me shows that they trust me first.                        Even then I over-think everything and struggle to trust. Sometimes I even distrust my family, but that’s                      because of past events as well. I used to trust everyone and anyone who showed me respect; now I have                      changed to stop myself from being hurt so that it does not happen again. 

  • When have you chosen a life of less?

                 Now. When I was a teenager. Especially when deciding whether to return to school to get my Masters or                   not. I believe now that I may have made the wrong decision then. My responsibilities now take away                           much of my relaxation time. I find I’m not focused nearly as much as I should be on my emotional and                         spiritual state of being. 

  • What are you the most fearful of in your life?

                    Being hurt again. That should be clear based on what I said above…

  • Are you bitter? What are the circumstances?

                  I don’t think so. I mean, every now and then I get angry at a circumstance or a person involved. But I                        don’t walk around seeking revenge, blaming others, or ruining my days by thinking about the past. At the                  same time, I’m never satisfied with giving up on any situation, and I have a hard time letting go of people                  I did love who stopped loving me or hurt me. In some ways, I feel being bitter would be better than                              whatever it is that I do when I get hurt.

  • How comfortable are you with yourself?

                   I know who I am. I am used to the person that I am. Do I wish I were someone different? Yes, sometimes.                   But that feeling often lasts for only a second or two before I remember why I am the person that I am and                  that, if I were any different, I could be worse off than I am now. It may not always be sunny and green                        grasses on my side of the world, but it could be worse from another perspective and I do not even realize                    it. 

  • How do you express yourself and your needs? How can you improve?

                 Which needs? Emotionally, I often cry when I get frustrated or lost with expressing myself. People who                        know me well know I need help when I am crying. And I don’t do it only when I am sad. I don’t really                         express my material needs. I am fairly independent and take care of myself. Plus I don’t need a lot of                           things that other humans could live without. It’s fairly obvious, especially in today’s world, that a shelter,                   food, and water are needs for any humans. 

I am sure that I can improve when trying to express myself because I am so easily emotional about                             anything. I cry when I’m happy, angry, or sad at times. Instead of allowing this expression to speak for                      me totally, I need to at least combine it with words (or not cry at all) in order to ensure that everyone truly                understands what I am discussing and talking about. 

  • What values are important to you? How do you incorporate them into your life?

                   Respect. Honor. Trust. Compassion. LOVE. Kindness. Privacy. Family. Intelligence.

*Respect is incorporated into my life because I show respect for everyone I am around (even strangers)                       and expect respect from those who I choose to spend my time around. 

*Honor- Same goes!

*Trust- See the discussions above. It’s very important for me to trust people, but I don’t do it easily.

*Compassion- I show compassion a lot of times regardless of whether others show it or not. 

*Kindness- Same goes!

*Privacy- I try to take time for myself on a regular basis in order to regroup and breathe. In addition, I                        find that privacy is extremely important so that less drama occurs in my life. 

*Family- See all of the above. We spend a lot of time together!

*Intelligence- I’m a teacher. Need I say more?

*LOVE- Yes, it’s capitalized for a reason. This is the reason that I live my life the way I do. This is                                   where my happiness comes from. This is why I bother to trust anyone to begin with. Love is the most                           important thing in my life and that will never change!

Well, I had intended to write more than this, but those questions took me much longer than I was expecting. Until tomorrow I guess!

~Me

52 Lists: Loving Others

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Love

The Ways I Can Love Others

  1. Lots of hugs
  2. Maybe some kisses
  3. By giving good advice to others
  4. By lending an ear for any situation in which someone just needs a person to listen and truly hear them
  5. By helping my students in any way that I can to make their lives better
  6. Through random acts of kindness, even if they are for strangers
  7. Love notes- just leaving them in random places is the best!
  8. By doing things for others when they ask, without complaint, and happily
  9. Through smiles
  10. By being completely open and honest, with consideration for others, but without little white lies
  11. By trying not to over-analyze everything when with those I love- to be able to completely relax around someone will make them feel special
  12. Through donations, volunteering, and aiding others in projects, activities, and organizations
  13. By lending money (when needed) for someone who has needs that are not met
  14. Respond to every email, text, and phone call that is from someone who takes the time to read my blog, write to me, or contact me for anything—- I should even be kinder to telemarketers, though sometimes it’s hard
  15. By writing thank you letters to everyone who gives me a gift
  16. By paying attention to people’s birthdays and making those days special, even if it’s in a very small way
  17. Along with #10 and #11, to be more trusting of others
  18. To say I love you whenever I mean it, even to friends
  19. To pray daily, for the goodness of everyone, even strangers, and to ask God for help in aiding those who need help
  20. By staying true to myself, wearing my heart on my sleeve, and telling people just how truly good they are to me

Friday Mash-Up: Maybe the Inspiration I Needed

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Mash_Up

There are about five million thoughts running through my head today. That’s how it’s been lately; that’s why I haven’t been writing much. I continue to strive to pull my mind together and get focused on any one topic for a certain period of time, but those topics that jump out at me and stick are all negative and stress-inducing. After the past few days, these are the last things that I need to be thinking of. So, instead of forcing myself to suffer through for the sake of my blog and my strength of character, I have copped out and avoided writing for the past few days. I think I may finally be coming back to it. Slowly, one second at a time, I think my life might start feeling like mine again.

All of this may seem sort of confusing to you all, especially since nothing tragic or drastic has happened to me in the past week. But anxiety has a funny way of sneaking up on those of us who think we have control and are purely happy with our lives. In an instant you can feel like a stranger in your own world, uncomfortable around your comfort zone. This is what has happened to me recently; and it isn’t the first time it’s happened either. I’m growing, unhappily used to the procession that my life decides to take. Sometimes I have control over it, and sometimes I don’t. Maybe in truth, sometimes I don’t want to. God makes everything happen for a reason, that I truly believe. But believing that makes taking a stand against things that occur in life even harder to deal with or justify. 

Anyway, the inspiration that I needed may have come in a very familiar form, one of my personal favorites. People may think I am the clingiest, most childish person of my age group. Because the thing is, my rock, my inspiration: it is my family. There are three other members of my little clan, plus a bird, two dogs, a kitty, and a fish. Some of them live what seems to be worlds apart, but they all hold a place in my heart and help me even when they do not realize it.

So while I’ve been waking up late, sitting around on the couch all day, and falling to sleep extra early, these people that I love have been encouraging me to get off my butt and do something with my life. It’s true and I know it; I need to find my balance again and get back to being my happy self. The only way to really do that is to DO something! I know, but I’m reluctant. I’ll keep being reluctant until I can put all of these scrambled feelings behind me. 

I’ve been talking a lot to my boyfriend about difference of opinion lately, and being openly, brutally honest with those that I love so much. Especially those that I love so much. He has helped me grow in more ways than one, even in the last few days.

My sister is my hugger. She gives the most physical affection of anyone that I’ve ever met. She has inspired me to believe that hugs are good things, that physical touch doesn’t make you weak, and that you don’t have to be five to tell someone you love them. So lately, she has been my hugger. Every time she sees me, I get a hug. She tells me she loves me, and doesn’t pressure me for more. That, to me, is help enough.

My mom is the hard one, the one who keeps saying “You’re stronger than you think,” while I sit here trying to cop out of everything. She’s got this tough, brutal love about her, but deep love that means the most at the same time. She is the one you go to when you don’t want to do something but know that you need to do it. She tells you the truth regardless of situation, at least as it stands from her eyes. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it’s not, but regardless, she is there.

Finally, my dad- the worrier of the group. If anyone has ever had such unconditional, ridiculous, incomprehensible love for someone else it is my dad for his family. Sometimes I cannot get along with him (probably because we are so similar), but most of the times knowing he has my back is all it takes to snap me out of my funks. This week he encouraged me to get off the couch and move. To do something, just like everyone else has been saying. But instead of giving me emotional reasons why I need to (like my head needs to get focused on important things again), he gives me physical work to do to help me get motivated. And so, thanks to Dad, my new motivation has become the garden. 

I’m a farm girl at heart, one who can easily be at peace with nature. As long as it’s not some scary, dark forest with weird noises or anything horrific like that… So the garden, at least at this time in my life, has become the perfect distraction. I have made it my goal to clear all of the weeds, appropriately thin out the beans, discover all of the new pickles, and create some bigger, better, straighter rows of plants than our garden has seen in years.

Anyway, my laptop battery is about to die, and while I have a lot more to write, I guess it will have to wait until I get inside to plug this baby in. (Don’t expect to hear back from me for a few hours- I’m unwilling to give up the peace and quiet of the nature outside just yet.) But when I do, I’ll tell you some of the small things that I realized when working in the garden today that many of you may never have even thought of. And, E, if you are reading this, I am going to write that little piece about my childhood that you and I had been discussing. But like you said, it takes time for genius- there’s no rushing about it! 

Talk to you all soon!