Goodbye November

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I was surprised when I logged into my blog tonight; I hadn’t noticed that it had been 10 months since my last post! Nor did I realize that it has been almost 10 months since T moved into his first home. Time has flown since the beginning of the year, and I cannot believe that 2016 is almost over. I’ll admit that there have been many ups and downs, but it’s been a pretty good year so far. I’m still continuously amazed at myself for the amount of things that I have been able to achieve. And yet, I’m still struggling to figure everything out. You would think by now my mind would have settled enough that I was comfortable in my own life, my job, my home, etc. But it seems like things never settle down. Even the Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ this year wasn’t nearly as relaxing as it had been in years past. (Don’t get my wrong, it was amazing; I was just so exhausted from my long hours at work recently and so happy to actually be seeing my family that I didn’t ever want it to end. Anxiety started to climb as I realized I had to come back home and wasn’t sure when I would actually get to hang out with them all again.)

We all know how much I love lists (or if you’re just starting to read my blog, note: I LOVE writing lists!!!) so here are some of the things that are currently on my mind.

This year’s accomplishments:

  1. First thanksgiving not having woken up with my sister and parents to watch the Macy’s parade.
  2. Spent almost the entire summer at T’s house and finally moved (most of) my things in.
  3. Started a school year with over 50 students on my rosters.

Things that are currently still bugging me/to be done before the end of the year:

  1. Getting a real Xmas tree for the first time in years! Hoping it doesn’t mess with my allergies.
  2. The plants that T and I started to grow in the basement (beans and peas, come on now!) are dying and I cannot figure out why.
  3. My doctor conveniently reduced my dosage of meds before telling me that he was retiring and would be handing my health care over to someone else in the practice… Not sure whether to change practices or wait to see who his replacement is, but definitely not happy that he chose to mess with my meds right before Thanksgiving! Also, kind of upset that he continues to believe I want to be off my meds. If I could just express how unhappy and just plain blah I have been feeling the past week or so to someone who understands how these stupid pills change my outlook, the world would seem like a much more friendly place…
  4. With this being the first Christmas season in my own home, I need to find out a way to celebrate Xmas Eve with some sort of new and special tradition. (Maybe with T, maybe with him and my sister, not sure yet.)
  5. I have yet to start grading comments for the semester’s end report card, and I know that the next three weeks are going to fly by and I’m going to end up stressing about it over Christmas. But thanks to #3 above, I cannot see pushing myself to complete this type of work during my evenings at home because I am trying my best to relax and not add stress to my life.

I am really excited about the holidays though. T is almost completely against decorating anything before the day of Christmas, but I’m slowly easing things out of the goody box that Mom sent my way. It makes me happy to be surrounded by things that are mine from home and that are Mom’s which she is kindly lending to me until I get enough things of my own. Plus I found GREAT gifts for everyone this year. I think everyone is going to be super surprised too. T clearly has no clue about his gift, and the other girls in the family have absolutely no clue. Dad’s the only boring one, as always, but we had to give him the recliner when it was shipped to us. There’s not really a good way to hide an oversized recliner for two months at a time.

I just realized that I started writing tonight because I was trying to make myself feel better. I love using writing as a vent, especially when I start to find it hard to express myself in oral words. It’s easier to get my thoughts on paper (or in print) so that I don’t have to worry about reactions or questions from others. Yet now that I look back on this post, it’s much more positive than I thought it would be. I had expected to sit down and complain about my doctor more, to groan a little bit about work, and then to feel complete desperation over the decision of whether to go back to my usual med dose and find a new doctor or not. While I might have touched on these things a bit, this post overall seems somewhat positive or at least more logical than emotional. While that’s not going to make my stress level decrease or my nerves feel any better, it’s at least nice to know that I haven’t completely lost control of the positive and logical parts of myself. I guess maybe I am really growing up and learning how to handle things a bit better on my own. That might still mean some tough decisions and some issues when trying to make important life decisions, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot feel anxiety and have panic attacks without moving through them and getting past those situations. Maybe, just hopefully, I will feel a bit better tomorrow. And if not, then I will know that changing my meds back will be the right decision for me; it’s pretty clear from all of this writing that what I am thinking and have to say is not just for my own selfish and petty benefit. I am truly trying to be positive and happy.

~B

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