Before I start this post, I feel it’s important to let everyone here know that my entire life is not bad. I am not a naturally negative person 100% of the time in my life. If you are reading my blog, you will notice some very negative posts. This may end up being one of them. However, I come here to write, not to put icing on top of cupcakes. If you don’t understand, you may wish to stop reading now.
Tonight is such a weird night. This weekend was so amazing, and so was Monday and Tuesday. I made a great friend who I am enjoying getting to know, and being able to talk to someone openly and honestly is something that I seek every day it seems. Here’s the thing though; Every time I think I’ve found that someone who is willing to deal with me, all of me, not just the parts I feel are safe to share, I turn out either completely wrong or at the very least completely confused.
Have you ever met one of those people who wears their heart on their sleeves? But even more than that, they act like they are in love with you just because you give them the time of day? I hope I don’t come across as that possessive, but sometimes my happiness is overwhelming. Sometimes I’m even overwhelmed by it.
So I think I scared this new friend away, mostly because I don’t know how to shut up and I want to know everything there is to learn and know in this world. I didn’t say anything rude, mean, nasty, or negative really. I just talked about me… way. too. much.
From my perspective I’m not a bad person to be around. I don’t have this goal in my life to put myself before everyone else, to focus on my goals and success over others’ feelings. To me, from my perspective, that seems like traits that a good friend should possess. But maybe I’m wrong…
I get it. People get confused, especially guys. Am I in love with them or just really open and emotional? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. But I tell you right now, even if this confusion is the stupidest reason in the world to lose a friend, it happens time and time again. And, at the end of the day, if this is the reason that I lose a friend, I blame myself, not them. I mean, maybe it’s nobody’s fault. It doesn’t seem like a mixed-up bit of communication is any particular person’s fault. But it stinks nonetheless, and I make sure that I take the blame for that one.
So here I sit, hoping I’m not going to have to take the blame again. I know, regardless of what other people do, I should not tear myself down. But it just seems like every time I find happiness, it falls apart. Even a friend. Something that people take for granted every day! Teenagers would rather be popular than to have more friends just because. Even adults can be like that sometimes. I see the beauty in every relationship, even in relationships with people that I cannot stand. There is something to be learned from every interaction that you have.
So for the record, if said friend is reading this… or if God is listening, I could use some help. I don’t need to fall in love. I don’t need to be your best friend. And I really really don’t mean to be so emotional. It’s just how I am. I’m happy because you decided to share some experience with me. Even just one. I’m not trying to act like a lunatic. If people could just understand that, I know I could be a much less sheltered person. Heck, I wouldn’t need to hide behind this blog post just so I could ask for some forgiveness for being myself. But anyway, if I could just have my friend back, that would be great. And if that’s not the road I’m supposed to take, then I just pray that someone will show me which way I am supposed to be going. Because obviously I’m a little bit lost in the dark.