The Renewal

The Renewal

So I’m back! I hate not having enough time to write on a regular basis, and if anyone is actually out there trying to keep up with my posts, I apologize for being so sporadic. I’ll try to be better.

Especially since my therapist says it’s best for me to continue to write. Especially about one thing: my past relationship. I realized something today while talking to her; I have one of these brains that never lets anything go. It’s not that I dwell on my past, try to return to my past, or try to relive it. Instead, I just have this acute memory. When something or someone comes along in the present that reminds me of something or someone I have experienced or been around before, the past flashes back in my head. And then I get over it again and move on until the next time.

Most recently the thing that has come back to me is my engagement. So I decided that I needed some more posts about it, some more chances to get over the whole thing or to at least come to terms with it. Oh sure, the letter that I wrote months ago helped. It only helped for a while though. So here goes nothing. (Forewarning: I have no idea what is going to end up on the rest of this entry.)

A few weeks ago someone had convinced me that I should sign up for this social networking app to find myself a new guy. I laughed at them. Then I signed up anyway; I figured there was no harm in trying to find new friends. Too bad no one else was on the site to make friends. They all wanted s** or something other than friendship.

The past few weeks have been really strange. Some guys seem nice, others never reply to comments, still more are just plain perverted. Who’s idea was this again?!

Then, about a week ago, one of the guys caught my attention. I don’t even remember exactly why I tried to talk to him now, but I did. Some of the things he said in his profile were funny; others were interesting and made me wonder what kind of person this guy was. We ended up talking quite a bit via text and the app.

One of the other guys I was talking to recently tried to convince me that no one should be alone on Valentine’s Day and that, regardless of whether I went with my sister or some other friend, I should do something special to celebrate myself. I laughed at them. I feel bad for it now…

Randomly, out of the middle of nowhere, on Saturday I started hinting to this guy that I wanted to do something fun. Go to the movies, go shopping, who knows. I hinted ALL DAY LONG! Actually, I hinted on Friday as well but it never worked out.

Around 3:30 on Saturday, he decided to take the “bait” and set up a time to meet me at the movies. And you know what happened? Absolutely nothing! No crying, no puking, no shaking. No extreme cases of paranoia or melt downs of any kind.

You know what did happen? I laughed. I relaxed. I had fun. I actually enjoyed myself. Whoa.

And today, do you know what happened? I went to lunch with him again. Walked around, held hands. He even kissed me before we left. And you know what’s even more shocking; I LET HIM!

So why all the description about what happened over the past few days? Because this guy is… something else. A dear friend for sure, even if it has only been a few days. More than that in the future? I’ll let you decide what you think about that. I surely don’t know or understand the future. I barely understand the present.

Since it seems proper at this point, I’ll use a list. Because there are a few things that I do know. Here they are:

  1. Ever since my relationship ended in August, I have avoided fun and relaxation. Part of me didn’t even realize I was doing it. This weekend was like a (good) slap in the face. A wake up call. 
  2. Also, ever since my relationship, I have avoided guys like the plague. If you’re a guy you better work with me or be related; otherwise you might as well forget it!
  3. This weekend made me realize that I need more friends, I need more socialization. Maybe more than even that, I need to take time off from school after I get my Masters. I need a break. A me break. A time to spend on doing only the things I love and want to do. I’ve never had that before, not really even as a child. At least not since I was in Middle School. 
  4. People will remind me of the past. People will always remind me of the past. It’s what happens, it’s how my brain works. So today I realized, I need to figure out how to get over this. I need to go back and re-analyze my relationships from my past and I need to try to lay them even more to rest than what they already are. In particular, I need to figure out a way to stop caring that my fiance is okay. I don’t still love him, but somehow I still care. And I shouldn’t. It’s not fair to me, it’s not right for me. But it is. 

If that guy who took me out this week is reading this now by any chance, just know I can never repay you. God only knows if I’ll be able to go back and re-sort my thoughts about my ex. No one knows if I’ll be able to come to more peace with the whole situation. But at least I realized that I need to try. 

Since I need to try, I’ve started a new category on my blog; the Breakup Chronicles. Maybe one day it won’t be about a breakup anymore. Maybe one day it’ll be about the things that I learned from that relationship, from the breakup too. And even more than that, maybe one day the whole thing will be about how I moved on and applied the lessons that I’ve started to learn. 

Seriously though, thank you for waking me up and helping me realize that I am not living my life. I’m just stumbling through it. I might have a lot of accomplishments, but I haven’t experienced fun in a really REALLY long time. 



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