The past few weeks have been rough. The past few days may have been better. But now, as I sit here in my room contemplating my life and having just a few more minutes in the night to relax, I wonder if things are really better or if people just know how to mask their hurt and confusion.
I wrote that Dear John letter and successfully have made no attempts to contact my ex. It makes me proud to know that I am so strong. Yet tonight, for whatever reason, I sit here wishing things were different. Honestly, it may not even be him I want; it’s more that I just need a friend to talk to, one who I can trust with anything. Lately, I’ve been too scared of opening up to anyone about my feelings.
Life has been busy lately. It’s been absolutely insane. I’ve worked over 13 hours in a single day recently, and woke back up the next day just to do it all again. Sometimes I wish I had never returned to school; knowledge is something I thrive off of, but sometimes the stress and time consuming process seems less worth it than I had originally thought it would be. Studying for my Praxis exam may or may not be the death of me….
I guess it’s really not that bad, my life. I have plenty of things to continue to focus on. Tomorrow I am attending Church for the first time in the past few months. It will be good to do some singing in public and get a (hopefully) meaningful message to help me through the coming days. I feel bad for not going to the service each week, but I just cannot risk my mental, emotional, and physical health by waking up extra early on my only day off from work every single week. I, thankfully, know that God understands.
I’ll be reading the Scriptures tomorrow. I emailed my Pastor and asked him for help in setting me up with the readings. I know my grandma will enjoy it, and I plan to surprise her completely by doing the whole thing! Yet, even though I’m a teacher, I’m nervous about the entire thing. I even pulled out my Bible to practice reading the Scriptures to make sure that I am less likely to stumble over any words tomorrow. Not that anyone would care if I messed up a little… no one but me anyway.
I’ve been keeping my Bible on my library shelf since I do not have any room right now on the nightstand beside my bed. This is actually the first time that I’ve pulled it out in a while. I took a few extra minutes before I turned the lights out to read a few extra verses and see what I could find. I’m going to try to be more in tune with my Spirituality. It’s so important for so many reasons.
I need to write another post about my kids at school. We had a very interesting conversation on Friday about the “Winter Break” and the use of the term Christmas versus Winter. I also did an amazing lesson on Privilege and helping others, that I know some of the other teachers in the world would be amazed by watching. I’m tired for the night though, so stay tuned!