I am finding that I am enjoying the time off of work. Though I feel like I don’t really know what to do with myself since I have all of this free time, I am truly enjoying it! I have actually had time to catch up on sleep, watch some movies, give my pup attention, and spend time reflecting on my emotional and spiritual state. I know that many people do not take time for themselves emotionally, but I need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and recollect myself every now and then.
This evening my sister and I put up our tree for Christmas. Since the family has allergy problems left and right, we chose to use our artificial tree this year. It is also pup’s first Christmas, and I was scared that he was going to freak out about the tree. Possibly try to attack it; maybe pee on it? Who knows. In any case, we put the tree up without any lights or ornaments for a day or two to make sure that he wouldn’t ruin all of our decorations. Instead, we found that, at least tonight, he was scared to death of the fact that we built this giant tree right in our living room! It was pretty hilarious to say the least. Even though I dislike that he is always so scared of things. Hopefully this is a sign that, even after yesterday’s awful Thanksgiving, Christmas will be pretty good this year. My family all deserves a great day together.
In the meantime, I finished reading the third chapter of my book, so here are the questions that correspond:
- What are your most vivid memories of growing up?
Most of my more vivid memories are of myself and my family camping, playing sports, and having a good time. It’s not until later in my childhood that I remember more negative things: the struggles that I had with kids in school, the amount of pressure that I placed on myself to be as perfect as possible, the struggles with my friends and family when I was a young teen, etc. It’s funny that some of the most vivid memories in my mind involve tiny little incidents that other people who were involved cannot remember now. It really shows me how perspective is different for each person.
- How were you treated as a child? Were you treated fairly?
I believe this answer depends on who we are talking about or the location that I was in at the time. My parents and my sister treated me amazingly. I didn’t realize it then, but they always did whatever was best for me. My sister especially looked out for me, wanted to grow up to be just like me, and loved me unconditionally. Other family members also cared about me and treated me mostly decent, but they didn’t understand my anxiety or my fear of being away from the parents and sister whom I had come to trust and rely on so much. Friends in school were amazing at first; I used to be so popular. When I became one of the most successful students in the school, I also became the highest-ranked student in my class. That was when people started treating me unfairly. Everyone wants to be the best, and apparently the only way to do it is to put down the person who is ahead of you at the time.
- Is there a history of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse in your family?
Yes, but I’ve never been abused by my immediate family. My mom was abused in more than one of these ways as a child, but I don’t know many details. The only other thing that I know about it and understand is that her parents were also the grandparents that I have discussed in posts before. They were the ones who ended up emotionally abusing me when I got a little bit older. If they hurt me as badly as they did, I cannot imagine how my mom made it out of her childhood as well as she did. She’s a strong person, that’s for sure.
- What part of your childhood would you change, given the chance?
I’m not sure that I would change any of it. I didn’t end up where I am today out of pure luck or just by chance. Everything that I have been through has changed me in some way. I’m proud to say that I was bullied and overcame it. I’m glad to say that I overcame my fears of going to college by finding a scenario that worked for my needs. I’m proud to say that I have moved on from the people who treated me badly. The only thing that I wish would change is that I would be able to forget a little easier. Not forget completely, just a little bit better than usual. If I couldn’t already see the difference that my past has made in my life, I’d wish that I hadn’t experienced all of the hurt, disappointment, and abuse that I had to go through. And yet, I know people have had it worse.
- What are your survival techniques?
I cry. I’m not scared to admit it. I hate crying in front of people because it always feels so awkward, but my body has no problem letting my emotions out with physical means. A lot of times, most often when a loved one dies (whether it be a person or a pet), I will dive into my homework for hours at a time and distract my thoughts by focusing on some kind of academia. I also find that writing helps a lot. If I hadn’t kept a journal and diary as a young child, I wouldn’t have made it through all of the bullying. I would have been a much angrier, much more messed up child. Even now, writing helps.
- Have you received medical attention for mental illness or stress?
Yes, but I’m not sure why that is a bad thing. I was born this way and I have found ways to manage it to the best of my ability. I have simply sought medical help so that I could accomplish all of my goals in life, not because I could not handle myself, but because I wanted to be more, achieve more. It’s not bad to seek help of any kind, and I wish more people would realize that. Seeking help for me wasn’t a downfall or a bad judgement call; it was a coping mechanism and something that I needed to do. It’s important to let other people in, at least under certain circumstances.
- What is your main concern or worry about your life?
I always fear being hurt emotionally. I worry that I’ll never overcome that feeling and that my friendship/family connections will grow no farther than what they already have done. I fear that I give up on myself emotionally at times, especially when someone has a problem with me for some reason.
- How do you manage your time? Do you find you can do it efficiently? Do you procrastinate or waste time?
Agendas, planners, calendars, and an innate sense of time management. I’m not sure whether my parents taught this skill to me or whether I picked it up on my own, but I am super organized. Some days I do procrastinate, but I’m so efficient every other day that, when I get a week or two ahead in my work, I find it’s okay to take a deep breath and read a book for a little bit before diving back into the tasks on my list.
- What do you consider to be quality time?
Spending time with my family. Any one of them, at any time, in any place. Being able to laugh and relax. Not having to worry about the realities of a job, relationship drama, or other things that I cannot control. I even consider sitting here typing to be quality time. Quality time can even be with oneself, so that you have time to process all of this emotional nonsense going on in your head.
- Have you been in a violent relationship? If so, explain.
Yes. As stated above, my grandparents were pretty emotionally abusive. That to me is the same thing as violence. Besides that, no. I’ve never been beaten, put down, or completely ruined by anyone whom I loved and held near to my heart besides that.
I sometimes get the feeling that all of these posts are a little too personal, but I need to put my thoughts somewhere, so unless the questions get too much more personal, I will continue to post them. I am finding that many people have been following my blog this week as I continue to write more and more of these posts. Maybe, just maybe, they are helping others to see that they are not alone. And if that could happen to just one single person, my writing all of this personal stuff will be a good thing.
Please, if you have anything to say about any of my posts, comment below. I know that I changed my theme the other week and my comment buttons at the bottom of my posts are no longer very big, but they are there! So Comment!
Until next time,