There are about five million thoughts running through my head today. That’s how it’s been lately; that’s why I haven’t been writing much. I continue to strive to pull my mind together and get focused on any one topic for a certain period of time, but those topics that jump out at me and stick are all negative and stress-inducing. After the past few days, these are the last things that I need to be thinking of. So, instead of forcing myself to suffer through for the sake of my blog and my strength of character, I have copped out and avoided writing for the past few days. I think I may finally be coming back to it. Slowly, one second at a time, I think my life might start feeling like mine again.
All of this may seem sort of confusing to you all, especially since nothing tragic or drastic has happened to me in the past week. But anxiety has a funny way of sneaking up on those of us who think we have control and are purely happy with our lives. In an instant you can feel like a stranger in your own world, uncomfortable around your comfort zone. This is what has happened to me recently; and it isn’t the first time it’s happened either. I’m growing, unhappily used to the procession that my life decides to take. Sometimes I have control over it, and sometimes I don’t. Maybe in truth, sometimes I don’t want to. God makes everything happen for a reason, that I truly believe. But believing that makes taking a stand against things that occur in life even harder to deal with or justify.
Anyway, the inspiration that I needed may have come in a very familiar form, one of my personal favorites. People may think I am the clingiest, most childish person of my age group. Because the thing is, my rock, my inspiration: it is my family. There are three other members of my little clan, plus a bird, two dogs, a kitty, and a fish. Some of them live what seems to be worlds apart, but they all hold a place in my heart and help me even when they do not realize it.
So while I’ve been waking up late, sitting around on the couch all day, and falling to sleep extra early, these people that I love have been encouraging me to get off my butt and do something with my life. It’s true and I know it; I need to find my balance again and get back to being my happy self. The only way to really do that is to DO something! I know, but I’m reluctant. I’ll keep being reluctant until I can put all of these scrambled feelings behind me.
I’ve been talking a lot to my boyfriend about difference of opinion lately, and being openly, brutally honest with those that I love so much. Especially those that I love so much. He has helped me grow in more ways than one, even in the last few days.
My sister is my hugger. She gives the most physical affection of anyone that I’ve ever met. She has inspired me to believe that hugs are good things, that physical touch doesn’t make you weak, and that you don’t have to be five to tell someone you love them. So lately, she has been my hugger. Every time she sees me, I get a hug. She tells me she loves me, and doesn’t pressure me for more. That, to me, is help enough.
My mom is the hard one, the one who keeps saying “You’re stronger than you think,” while I sit here trying to cop out of everything. She’s got this tough, brutal love about her, but deep love that means the most at the same time. She is the one you go to when you don’t want to do something but know that you need to do it. She tells you the truth regardless of situation, at least as it stands from her eyes. Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it’s not, but regardless, she is there.
Finally, my dad- the worrier of the group. If anyone has ever had such unconditional, ridiculous, incomprehensible love for someone else it is my dad for his family. Sometimes I cannot get along with him (probably because we are so similar), but most of the times knowing he has my back is all it takes to snap me out of my funks. This week he encouraged me to get off the couch and move. To do something, just like everyone else has been saying. But instead of giving me emotional reasons why I need to (like my head needs to get focused on important things again), he gives me physical work to do to help me get motivated. And so, thanks to Dad, my new motivation has become the garden.
I’m a farm girl at heart, one who can easily be at peace with nature. As long as it’s not some scary, dark forest with weird noises or anything horrific like that… So the garden, at least at this time in my life, has become the perfect distraction. I have made it my goal to clear all of the weeds, appropriately thin out the beans, discover all of the new pickles, and create some bigger, better, straighter rows of plants than our garden has seen in years.
Anyway, my laptop battery is about to die, and while I have a lot more to write, I guess it will have to wait until I get inside to plug this baby in. (Don’t expect to hear back from me for a few hours- I’m unwilling to give up the peace and quiet of the nature outside just yet.) But when I do, I’ll tell you some of the small things that I realized when working in the garden today that many of you may never have even thought of. And, E, if you are reading this, I am going to write that little piece about my childhood that you and I had been discussing. But like you said, it takes time for genius- there’s no rushing about it!
Talk to you all soon!