I am very much enjoying my day today. Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday, so we are spending time as a family today. (Unfortunately if your birthday is on a weekday, you basically don’t act like it exists that day because everyone works at odd hours throughout the day. Literally, at least one of us is out of the house from about 5am to 10pm.) This means that I cannot wait until tonight— cake!!! A shout out to my mom anyway, even though I haven’t told anyone in my family that I have this blog. Like I said, I need a space all to myself where I can throw thoughts and not have any effects come from it. Not that my family would be judgmental, but I’m just not taking any chance that a thought pops out of my head and isn’t something they would want to know. But I digress…
Today’s post is going to be a sermon of sorts, but it’s not really going to teach anything per say. I am mostly going to talk about my Faith from my perspective. Each week I will do a similar post (unless I’ve got nothing good to say at the time), and you will get to know more about my beliefs, my struggles, and my successes. I did find this really interesting quote page out of my mom’s prayer book this morning. I forget what the book is actually called, but it has a scripture/interpretation for each day of the year. There’s something different to think about for every day. I thought that would be a good place to start searching for the topic of my first Sunday post.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t too impressed with today’s page. It had no significant meaning to me at this point in my life. But I decided to continue to flip through the book to look for something more pertinent to my life. And this is what I found:
Trust me, and don’t be afraid. I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust-muscles. You live in the midst of fierce spiritual battles, and fear is one of Satan’s favorite weapons. When you start to feel afraid, affirm your trust in Me. Speak out loud, if circumstances permit. Resist the devil in My Name, and he will slink away from you. Refresh yourself in My holy Presence. Speak or sing praises to Me, and My Face will shine radiantly upon you.
Remember that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Me. You have been judged not guilty for all eternity. Trust Me, and don’t be afraid; for I am your Strength, Song, and Salvation.
So I admit it, I have major trust issues. I’m sure a lot of people do. But today I had a conversation with my boyfriend that really made it clear to me just how much my issues can affect my life. God says trust him and don’t be afraid, so I am going to try. I mean, I try already, but I’m just no good at it. I haven’t had a good base of trust with anyone but my parents and my sister for too many years to count. I guess when someone messes up your childhood, those thoughts and feelings are more likely to stick with you through adulthood.
Here I sit now, scared to trust anyone whom I haven’t known for my entire life. Even some of the people in that category are not to be trusted. Questions fly through my head when I think about this fact. Like, what is my future going to look like if I cannot accept anyone else into my life? How can I be such a loving person if I cannot trust others? What kind of relationship can my boyfriend and I really have without me giving my full trust, my full heart to him? We love each other, but sometimes I wonder if that love is enough to overcome the difficulties that I place in our way…
I feel as though the situation will never change. I’ve been like this for so many years that I’m not sure I really remember a time where I was guarded with my trust. I know there was a time when I would love anyone and anything, but I fear that time has passed too long ago for me to recall.
The scriptures from Isaiah and Romans that have been combined into the passage I quoted above must be trying to tell me something, but I’m desperately scrambling to figure out what they mean. Trust in God, I get that. He won’t hurt me, condemn me, or hold my sins against me. But I go back to the problem of trust. How can I even trust God if I cannot trust anyone or anything else either? Most days I don’t even trust myself. The passage has some really good points, especially that the devil (and evil in general) often prey on fear. That is one of the beliefs I have that I am pretty firm in. The “weaker” you are, the more bullies are attracted to you. Unfortunately, there isn’t much difference between a bully and the devil.
I know I’m not weak enough to be deterred in that way, but I’m somewhere in limbo. I’m not on the devil’s side for sure, but I am feeling unsuccessful at being a child of God. He wants to test us, He wants to make us better people. That’s why we go through all of the hardships that we go through (at least in my opinion). But the trials have tested my “trust-muscles” more than I think they can handle. People always say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but I can’t get my mind wrapped around that either. At least not in this instance. If my trust was only to be tested, not broken, then why does it seem so broken now?
I guess I am just going to have to try to trust God and see what happens. Luckily, after the discussion that I had with my boyfriend, he is still very willing to stand by my side and love me for whatever I can be and however much I can give him. I feel like it’s not exactly fair to ask him to stick around, but if he wants to stay, I will not push him away. Call me selfish or whatever you want to, but I love him too much to think that any of this can improve without his help.
I want to be one of those Christians who gives everything up to God. I’ve heard them preach, pray, and talk of their experiences on numerous occasions and I wish that I could be as good as they are. I love God, I love being able to go to Church, I love the fact that I have Faith. None of those things will make my life perfect, and I don’t expect them too. I just wish that I would turn to God when things got tough, and even when they aren’t so tough. I wish I had Faith as strong as all those others. I don’t look for miracles, I don’t ask for things that I want (and sometimes not even those I need), but I wish that I could better understand my Faith. Maybe just maybe, I could also find my trust again.
For those of you who have any advice, have gone through similar feelings, or just want to show some support, I truly appreciate it! Leave comments below so I know I’m not alone! Thanks so much (in advance).